Torn

Last night I was at worship practice for this weekend.  Generally Christmas carols don't really elicit any sort of emotion in me.  I enjoy singing them, don't get me wrong, but I don't feel an emotional connection to them.  We are singing a new version of "Joy to the World" with a chorus from the worship song "Shout for Joy."  (Here is the link to listen to the song) The lyrics are this...

Shout for joy
For the Son of God
Is the Saving One
He's the Saving One

Shout for joy
See what love has done
He has come for us
He's the Saving One

Now we have sung this song tons of times at church over the last year, but I remember one time earlier in the year when I was sobbing during this chorus.  The words "for the Son of God is the saving one, He's the saving one" felt like they were for me.  I have been saved in so many ways over the last year.  God saved me from death literally and figuratively.  I get to spend another Christmas with my kids.  This year my goal is to actually remember it and enjoy their joy.  I get to live another day to tell the people that "He has come for us.  He's the Saving One."

This is where I am torn.  Torn between being so thankful and blessed to be ALIVE and wanting Norah here with us so badly.  It is hard to not feel like something--someone is missing in this family.  I've come to the conclusion that this feeling will never leave me.  This is my story now--trying to figure out how to be thankful for my life while honoring and missing Norah at the same time.  

I hate being torn in this way because I truly would do anything for my kids...Norah included.