tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7316706239418953862024-03-14T00:21:47.144-07:00The Cook FamilyThe Cook Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17371402545215636724noreply@blogger.comBlogger325125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-731670623941895386.post-17291869030290364022017-08-14T06:48:00.000-07:002017-08-14T06:48:06.903-07:00What I've Learned this Summer....I know, I know, I know....it's been a LONG time since I've posted. Life gets busy! We are all doing well. Kids go back to school tomorrow (woohoo!!). Ceci promises she will not be sad, but I think she will miss the bigs for sure!<br />
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Anyway, I have done a lot of soul searching in the last several months. After nine years of being a full time stay at home mom, I have been feeling lonely, bored, and tired of all that comes with that title. Don't get me wrong, I have LOVED being home with these kids. I have LOVED being their caretaker, but some days I feel like there might be more for me out there. I think the life we have experienced in the last 4-5 years has opened my eyes to living. When you have been close to death, your perspective on living changes greatly. <br />
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Did God give me extra chances at this life to continue to be a stay at home mom? Does He want me to go back to work as a teacher to share my story with others and shape young minds? Do I look for a new career? Do I start volunteering more? Do I go back to school?<br />
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Unfortunately, I don't have an answer to any of those questions right now. But I have taken a few steps to getting back into teaching in the classroom to see if that is where I am feeling led. I took a class this summer! First time I've done that in 15 years....and it was actually really great. I learned a TON and quickly remembered what it felt like to be a student--one that is a perfectionist when it comes to school work. I learned about Flipped Classrooms, App Smashing, Twitter in education, and tons of other ways to incorporate technology in the classroom! <br />
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And if I didn't have a 2 year old, I may consider going back and taking more, but it was super hard to accomplish much with my three kids around this summer. In the end, I got an A and my teaching certificate will be coming out of the expired ranks soon!<br />
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I decided the best way to see if I want to go back to teaching is to actually teach. I got hired as a Substitute in the Webster Groves School District where my kids go and will pick up a day or two a week. I'm hoping to get into some of the music classrooms and see if I can remember anything! And the greatest thing about this gig is that I can say no if I don't want to work on a particular day. I'm not quite ready to leave Ceci full time. I still want to experience daily life with her, but this seems to be a good compromise for the time being. <br />
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Prayers to everyone for a great start to the school year! You can pray for me too:)The Cook Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17371402545215636724noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-731670623941895386.post-64099710874627923902016-12-23T05:26:00.002-08:002016-12-23T05:26:48.134-08:00HistoryI think the holidays will always get me a bit. The kids are off school, and I haven't been able to sleep in much. Today I woke up at 5:45, and am sitting on the couch with the Christmas lights on and am reminded of those days after we lost Norah. There were many nights where I would wake up in the middle of the night and come down and just sit here with the twinkling lights in the background. Greg would come down and find me sobbing and coax me back up to bed. <br />
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Each year that has gone has given me a bit more time to learn how to deal with the pain of losing one of our children. The pain isn't so sharp as it was four years ago, but I still think of her and still wonder what it would be like to have her here. I look at Cecilia and often wonder if she would even be here if Norah hadn't passed.<br />
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God gives us our stories, our history, and we can't escape them no matter how hard we try. If you would have asked me 10 years ago to predict the future for myself, I never in a million years could have contrived everything I've gone through since we lost Norah. The emotions that come along with an ovary loss, the loss of so much blood that caused a baby loss, the struggle to get pregnant again, the beauty of that rainbow baby, the loss of feeling on my right side, the loss of my ability to speak, the stroke, the many, many MRI's and CT scans, the memory loss, the therapy, the headaches, the doctors appointments with no answers.... It's been a lot!<br />
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After writing it all out like that, I can't believe that it all actually happened to me! I have to remember that I have a medical history now that I will always have to explain, but I will do it with gratitude--gratitude that I am alive to tell about it all, that it all happened to me, and I am still here standing. <br />
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As we get ready to celebrate Christmas, I realized I've been so preoccupied with the getting ready. We've shopped, we've baked, we've seen Santa, we've looked at Christmas lights. The kids are excited, and I can't wait to spend Christmas day playing with all their new things. But for a moment I will remember Norah and think about her being in our crazy mix. God sent me that baby to save my life in many ways. Just like He sent us Jesus to save us from our history, from all the things that bog us down, from all our sin. This is the greatest gift any of us can receive! I will receive it with joy and gratefulness, will you?<br />
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<br />The Cook Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17371402545215636724noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-731670623941895386.post-58632708725492701992016-04-19T07:19:00.000-07:002016-04-19T07:19:07.132-07:00A Little Perspective.....My family has lived through a lot of tough things in the last several years. We've done grief, loss, sadness, fear, and sickness. I've had close contact with death through the loss of Norah and through my own brushes with it along the way. Through all of it, time has helped to heal a lot of the wounds and broken pieces and God has shown us over and over that in His time (not ours) will life feel whole again. And the whole life I thought I would have is not even close to what He has given me.<br />
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If I were to lay my life out in a timeline, I never in a million years would have picked to lose an unborn baby, to almost die from severe blood loss, to struggle to get pregnant again, to go home with my beautiful baby and suffer a stroke not even 24 hours after being in our house as a family, to spend 9 days in the hospital and not even care or know that I had just given birth, to lose my short term and immediate memory, to go to therapy for months, to not understand what has happened to my brain, to undergo many, many MRI's and CT scans and see many, many doctors who see my case as special with no definitive diagnosis, to suffer from daily persistent headaches..... These are all big, hard things, and I've done it all in less than 3 years. I'm not trying to make myself out to be a martyr because I know you may have gone through some hard and difficult things in your life as well.<br />
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But I'm here to tell you that you CAN DO HARD THINGS, and you WILL GET THROUGH THEM. You will be different when you hit the other side. I have so much perspective on my life now that I never would have had had we not gone through this stuff. I think back to 3 years ago, when I cried every.single.day. I wanted Norah so badly, and the depth at which that loss hit me was so deep down inside me that I never thought I would get over it. But God showed me that He is in control, and each day I cried less tears and we began to honor Norah instead of mourn her loss. My kids will always know that there is someone missing in this family, and we will always work hard to honor her in the way she deserves.<br />
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We have been shown over and over again the goodness of God's people who fed us, took care of our children when we couldn't, and most importantly prayed for us. We have retired parents who lived with us when Cecilia was so tiny, and I couldn't take care of her (and the other two) without help. I believe that things don't naturally fall into place when you are in a crisis. God gives you the strength and tools you need to get through each day.<br />
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Is my life easy and beautiful day in and day out now? Of course not! But I have a greater perspective on my life as a whole--almost looking down from above to see that these hard moments are not all there is. We will all have suffering and hardship on this earth. We can't escape it or prepare for it. But God will teach you and mold you into a different person. You will learn things about yourself that you never knew were in there! You will come through it with more compassion, generosity, gratefulness, and love and those things will prepare you for your next trial. And one day, we won't have to worry about death or sickness, financial stress or infidelity, greed or divorce.....we will be in the perfect place with Him.<br />
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<br />The Cook Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17371402545215636724noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-731670623941895386.post-64482199825439528832016-02-04T07:53:00.000-08:002016-02-04T07:55:32.015-08:00The fear is real....I guess I've always been a fearful person. I'm not one of those people who loves roller coasters or would dive from a cliff into the water. I like to have my feet planted solidly on the ground. I like to know all my people are safe and sound. I worry if Greg is just a few minutes late--was he in an accident? Why didn't he call? Then the phone rings, and he tells me he is just getting gas. I breathe a collective sigh of relief.<br />
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It is actually no surprise that the events of the last few years have just magnified my ability to fear and worry. When my neurologist told me to go to the ER last week, tears just poured from my eyes. The kids were about to walk in the door from school. She said "we will both just sleep better tonight for you to go get a CT and make sure you aren't hemorrhaging." I could barely talk. Maggie walks through the door and immediately notices that I am not alright. She begins to cry too when I tell her that I just need to go to the hospital to get my head checked--that I have another strange headache the doctor wants me to get checked out. She turns 8 this weekend. She seems so much older and mature all of a sudden as she says, "Mommy, sometimes when you go the hospital they don't let you come home." Her words were like a knife in my heart. All this time, I have been so impressed by her resilience. Her ability to continue to go on with her life like everything is okay. But it was in this moment that I realized--she gets this--she understands that I've been sick and can get sick again.<br />
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The drive to the ER was like deja vu. The walk to the doors seemed so similar to a year ago. They immediately ran stroke protocol on me--what month is it? who's the President? where are you? close your eyes and raise your arms in front of you. I know all these questions by heart now. They ask them a lot after a brain injury. As we sat in the waiting room, my head pounding, all I could think was the worst case scenario. Do I have a brain tumor? When will I stop being able to talk or feel my limbs? Greg reminded me that I was okay. We are just here to get it checked. Breathe.<br />
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Six hours later with a dose of some pain meds in my IV and a normal CT scan, we came home. As the days went on, my strange headache seemed to get worse. The fear rising with each pound of my head. My google searches looked like this....Greg texted me a picture of this from work and told me to stop googling!<br />
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It's hard to be so scared. I never wanted to know what this type of fear felt like, and last week I lived it each and every moment. I took everything the doctor told me to take and nothing took the pain away. Finally after a dose of steroids I started at the end of last week, my headache finally started to ease. Another collective sigh of relief. Fear is so crippling. I know this won't be the last time I feel this way, but for today, I am grateful for a little less of it than last week.</div>
The Cook Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17371402545215636724noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-731670623941895386.post-17918900874523718082016-01-20T07:40:00.000-08:002016-01-20T07:45:48.351-08:00StrokaversaryOne year ago today, I suffered a stroke. I was a 34 (almost 35) year old, four day post partum, healthy woman. I will venture to say that this year was the fastest of my life. I barely remember January-April of last year, but I know my family was loved and cared for so well.<br />
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Cecilia will never know that I wasn't her #1 caregiver during her first year. She won't remember that I didn't get to snuggle her and take in every moment of her itty bittiness. I'm thankful for that because I have experienced a lot of guilt for not being the same mom to her as I was to Maggie and Elliott. We are making up for it now, but the things I had to just give up on still haunt me a bit. I hate that her birthday, one we had waited so long for after we lost Norah, will always have stroke attached to it. We certainly celebrated her 1st birthday (will post about that soon)!<br />
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After Cecilia's birthday party, a friend of mine handed me a letter. It was dated January 21, 2015. She has been such a blessing to our family over the last year. Her work schedule allowed her to watch our kids during many of my appointments and scans. She wrote this note to me and kept it in her Bible to give to me. The line that stands out to me is this...."When I was in the waiting room last night, I kept thinking about all the other people there. What do people do in the ICU waiting room if they don't know God? I'm so thankful to be surrounded by so many incredible people that know God." <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiJgf19fu19c9HbPjoeaudGbgGMNrOAR2ljLIo4S4EH0ffvMZQQ-0JQfLUkHMHLlle3UsUAa6dqUSNe-AxM0qNL4SnjNMT1i2T95R51iGz4QnhfFh9cZjuoIeNPn7KblCaiANb57T1bgg/s1600/IMG_2389.JPG" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiJgf19fu19c9HbPjoeaudGbgGMNrOAR2ljLIo4S4EH0ffvMZQQ-0JQfLUkHMHLlle3UsUAa6dqUSNe-AxM0qNL4SnjNMT1i2T95R51iGz4QnhfFh9cZjuoIeNPn7KblCaiANb57T1bgg/s320/IMG_2389.JPG" width="240" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghhQ74rOqUpfvlY8zAvZFLzV2oVEB4_qRMLIxeFB7LPHGEE8efBx-bs04RLKhAt1YnjTVin44s0Jq1HZ0MXWqPkPnlVezh-aERHBYe15Vbty0cO91lknemtiU0kCO2rMmaxYGHFn8riDE/s1600/IMG_2393.JPG" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghhQ74rOqUpfvlY8zAvZFLzV2oVEB4_qRMLIxeFB7LPHGEE8efBx-bs04RLKhAt1YnjTVin44s0Jq1HZ0MXWqPkPnlVezh-aERHBYe15Vbty0cO91lknemtiU0kCO2rMmaxYGHFn8riDE/s320/IMG_2393.JPG" width="240" /></a><br />
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I think about my story and how God has strengthened me during the really hard times. In the midst of it, you are just trudging along, but once you get to the other side, you can really see His hand. Anything can happen to us at any point in time. We are not immune to suffering. We will all go through hard things on this earth. We will all lose people who are close to us, watch others suffer from horrible diseases, watch friends and family go through divorce and marital stress, watch acquaintances recover from accidents or random medical findings. But all these things are temporary--life on this earth isn't going to last forever. Our souls won't always be bogged down with the hard things life throws our way.<br />
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Last night before falling asleep, Greg said to me, "I'm hoping you don't
wake me up telling me your head hurts like you did last year." I try
to replay those moments a year ago--not all of them can I remember. But
I can't shake the feeling of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of not
being able to care for my new baby, fear of not being able to be the mom
I wanted to be, fear of dying and leaving my husband to care for three
children. <br />
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I've learned this year that doctors don't always have the answers. Although they are super smart, they may not be able to tell you why this happened or if it will happen again. You may never get a diagnosis that has a treatment. The hardest lesson I've had to learn is to just go on living even though some really scary and bad things have happened to my body. Each day we have is such a gift--don't ever forget that!The Cook Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17371402545215636724noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-731670623941895386.post-50135544179129242422015-11-25T07:40:00.001-08:002015-11-25T07:40:59.129-08:00Dear NorahDear Norah,<br />
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I knew it would happen. Your birthday falls on Thanksgiving this year. The last year has gone so fast for me...a total blur on my life's radar. I've been thinking about you a lot--wondering what it would be like to add a 3 year old into our crazy mix. And even though I haven't been capable of grieving you and thinking about you each and every moment because of what happened to me after your sister was born, doesn't mean you are any less important to me. You are where my journey begins. <br />
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There will always be a bit of sadness attached to the holidays, but I am trying to be grateful. I'm thankful to God for sparing my life, but I will always miss you. I will always wonder who you would become and who you would look like. Unfortunately, I will never get those questions answered, and although I am thankful this year, there really is nothing that can take away the pain from your loss. I pray that those who love me will understand that. I lost you. I had to bury you in a tiny casket. I have to memorialize you, so that people won't forget you. Because you are my child.<br />
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There is a Norah-shaped piece of my heart that will never get filled in. Thank you for teaching me to trust in God's plan for me. It has been oh so hard! I am always trying to balance my grieving with my thankfulness. It is a difficult road to be on. Tomorrow I will look around our table and know that there is someone missing.<br />
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I love you with all my heart,<br />
Mommy<br />
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<br />The Cook Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17371402545215636724noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-731670623941895386.post-40326147910642793032015-11-12T13:59:00.000-08:002015-11-12T13:59:11.120-08:00Tapestry of Our StoriesMy church (<a href="http://www.rooftop.org/">Rooftop Church</a>) held an amazing Women's Event last weekend called Tapestry of Our Stories. Several women shared what God was doing in their story, and I was privileged to share my (abbreviated) story as well. It is not one that I would ever choose, but God has strengthened me so much over the last three years. <br />
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<i>My life in the last three years has taken a turn that wasn’t
in my plan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My plan was to marry a
great guy, buy a house, have 3 or 4 amazingly smart, polite, and well-behaved
children, and live happily ever after—all on my timeline.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And in some respects, it started to
happen on my time, in my plan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
married a great guy, moved to St. Louis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We bought a house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We had
Maggie in 2008 and Elliott in 2010.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>For the most part, they are smart, polite and mostly well behaved!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i></div>
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<i>We were ready to have another baby, and God blessed us when
I found out I was pregnant in 2012.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My plan was happening!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>During my first ultra sound, my doctor noticed a large cyst—about the
size of a large grapefruit—in my right ovary.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Over the course of the next 3 months, we decided that I
needed to have the cyst removed because of the immense pain I was in each
day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was nearly half way through
my pregnancy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not only did I lose
my ovary, but I was rushed back in for a 2<sup>nd</sup> emergency surgery
because of internal bleeding.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
lost too much blood to sustain my pregnancy and gave birth to Norah Rose on
November 26, 2012.</i></div>
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<i>This wasn’t my plan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I wasn’t supposed to be sick, almost die from blood loss, and lose my
baby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The days and months
following Norah’s death were the darkest days of my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My daughter Maggie followed me around
the house with a box of tissues to wipe my tears.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And God was right there next to me too., He met me right
were I was—right in the middle of my brokenness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can honestly say He has never felt more near to me as He
did after we lost Norah.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i></div>
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<i>Losing a baby, adds a layer of sadness to everything you do,
but the hope I have that I will see Norah again and the reminders of God’s
faithfulness to me and my family were so apparent during the hard days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I kept relying on His promises to
me—that He would fulfill my desire to have another child.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And although the road to get pregnant
again was not easy, I found out in May of 2014 that we were expecting another
baby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i></div>
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<i>I gave birth to Cecilia Rose on January 16, 2015.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I actually don’t remember much from the
days following her birth, but I do remember the feeling that I was experiencing
God’s promise to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was holding
my miracle, my rainbow baby, and she was so perfect in every way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was discharged from the hospital on
January 19, and around 11:30 p.m., I experienced the worst <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>headache I have ever had in my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was so acute, that I woke Greg up
because I was sure that something was majorly wrong with me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i></div>
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<i>After a few hours at home the next morning and many texts
back and forth with my OB, we decided to go back to the Emergency Room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While I was getting a CT of my head, I
suffered a hemorrhagic stroke—my brain was bleeding.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could no longer talk or feel the right side of my
body.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could think, but what I
wanted to say came out as jibberish.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Panic and fear set in very quickly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remember watching Greg holding my four day old baby and
pacing back and forth making phone calls telling our families to get in the car
and drive to St. Louis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This
wasn’t in my plan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was supposed
to be soaking in every ounce of my sweet, sweet girl.</i></div>
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<i>The next thing I knew, I was being loaded up in an ambulance
and was on my way to Barnes Jewish Hospital.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>From this point on, I don’t remember anything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I woke up<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>several days later in the ICU surrounded by my husband and
my family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Greg and my dad
who is a doctor, explained to me what had happened, but I just couldn’t
understand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My brain started
bleeding?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How could this happen to
me?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the days following my
stroke, my brain literally could not understand what had happened to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The doctors would ask me questions and
many times I remember looking at Greg to answer them for me because I could not
make the correct words come out of my mouth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i></div>
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<i>Although I was very lucky to regain feeling on my right side
and be able to talk again, my stroke recovery has been difficult.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have been a medical mystery to the 5
different specialties I have seen at Barnes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No one has an explanation why my brain hemorrhaged.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve been tested for every possible
disease and or reason to cause this, and there are no answers for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve struggled with my short term and
immediate memory and my attention span is horrific.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I spent 4 months in out patient speech therapy, where I was
asked to do simple tasks like alphabetize words and read words backwards.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have learned how to run my family
with a brain injury—how to remember soccer practices and when to feed the baby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is a scary, scary place to be when
you look okay, but your brain isn’t functioning anywhere near where it used
to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is difficult to be so young
and to be so near death two times in the last 3 years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I never planned to be sick.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It wasn’t in MY plan to have a stroke,
to essentially miss my baby’s first months, to have what felt like a million
doctor appointments, MRI’s and CT scans, to be told by 4 different doctors that
I should not have any more biological children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had no control over any of this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i></div>
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<i>But it was in God’s plan for me—not as punishment for
something I had done wrong but because we live in a fallen world where there is
sickness and death.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He has used
the last 3 years to teach me to trust Him, to truly believe that His plans for
me are to just be here as a mom to my kids, as a wife to my husband, as a
worship leader in my church.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
met me in the middle of my brokenness 3 years ago and again in these last 10
months as I have recovered from a stroke—at age 35.</i></div>
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<i>In Deuteronomy 31:6 and 8<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>it says <span class="textdeut-31-6"><sup>6 </sup>Be
strong and courageous. Do not fear or be afraid of them, for it is the </span><span class="small-caps"><span style="font-variant: small-caps;">Lord</span></span><span class="textdeut-31-6"> your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or
forsake you. </span><span class="textdeut-31-8"><sup>8 </sup>The </span><span class="small-caps"><span style="font-variant: small-caps;">Lord</span></span><span class="textdeut-31-8"> himself goes before you and will be with you; he will
never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”</span></i></div>
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<i><span class="textdeut-31-8">I know the Lord has gone before me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was in the operating room 3 years
ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He welcomed Norah into
heaven. He has seen every tear that has fallen from my eyes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was there as we welcomed Cecilia
into our family and then 4 days later when my brain began bleeding, and I
believe through the prayers of so many people, He saved me in so many
ways.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He continues to teach me to
trust Him with my life.—to stop trying to make it all go MY way, and just
follow Him even when it is hard.</span></i></div>
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The Cook Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17371402545215636724noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-731670623941895386.post-80434163315438852312015-10-28T07:13:00.001-07:002015-10-28T07:13:17.182-07:00Missing Her and Loving the One I HaveI've gotten rid of a lot of baby stuff lately. Cecilia turned 9 months last week, and we no longer need the swing, receiving blankets or itty bitty clothes. As I am looking through all this baby stuff I am getting rid of, I realized something very important. I don't remember a lot of Cecilia's first months. I barely remember her birth. I don't remember being home with her and snuggling her in those first months of her life. I know someone was doing those things for her, but I don't know if I actually was capable of being that person. After the loss of a baby, those are the moments you dream of, the moments you run through your mind a million times, the moments that are the what if's for the one you lost.<br />
<br />
Some days I feel as if i have traded one horrible life situation for another. I went from being the grieving mom to being the mom who had a stroke, and when your brain doesn't work like it used to, it is really difficult to be both. It's been hard to grieve Norah the last 9 months. I went from being an emotional basket case to feeling so void of any emotion at all. I used to tear up all the time. I used to feel so sad so deep down in my heart that I could barely get out of the house. Ever since my stroke, I have felt no emotion. Not sure if that stems from my brain injury or if it is just my way of dealing with my uncertain circumstances.<br />
<br />
Nonetheless, it has been almost 3 years since we lost Norah. Time does help with the sadness, but there are some days I look at Cecilia and wonder if Norah would be another blonde hair, blue eyed girl in our family--And I still miss her deeply. <br />
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<br />The Cook Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17371402545215636724noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-731670623941895386.post-52141542285912614492015-09-03T08:37:00.001-07:002015-09-03T08:47:36.778-07:00Where are You?I'm just going to say it--I've been struggling with my faith. Maybe struggling isn't the right word--I just haven't had any. I haven't opened my Bible or my devotionals. I haven't hardly uttered a prayer. I've kind of been a sucky Christian since my stroke. Can I blame that on a brain bleed? The only time I feel close to God is during worship at church--when I'm singing or playing. It's like my brain goes right back to 8 months ago when everything was different. I'm not angry with Him for allowing this to happen to me, just apathetic really.<br />
<br />
For some reason today, I noticed my "Jesus Calling" book by Sarah Young on my night stand. It has been there unopened for months. The book mark was stuck in there from January 15--the day before Cecilia was born! I opened it to today and here is what it says:<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Let the dew of My Presence refresh your mind and heart. So many, many things vie for your attention in this complex world of instant communication. The world has changed enormously since I first gave the command to <b>be still, and know that I am God.</b> However, this timeless truth is essential for the well-being of your soul. As dew refreshes grass and flowers during the stillness of the night, so My Presence revitalizes you as you sit quietly with Me.</i></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>A refreshed, revitalized mind is able to sort out what is important and what is not. In its natural condition, your mind easily gets stuck on trivial matters. Like the spinning wheels of a car trapped in mud, the cogs of your brain spin impotently when you focus on a trivial thing. As soon as you start communicating with Me about the matter, your thoughts gain traction, and you can move on to more important things. Communicate with Me continually, and I will put My thoughts into your mind.</i></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Interestingly enough, my biggest hurdles with my brain rehab are my attention and my immediate memory. I was re-tested yesterday since my in-take in June, and while there was some improvement, I am still not quite up to average. She praised me for working hard, but the deficit still falls in attention and immediate memory, and for someone who is (or at least used to be) an over achiever it is difficult to not see high marks! Each day, I feel God nudging me a bit--"reminding" me of His power in my life. I may not always remember it in every moment, but I know it is there.</div>
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Way, way, way in the back of my brain, I know that God is there. I know that He has brought me through these last 3 years. I know that He is holding Norah right now. I know that<i> </i>He cherishes me even when I don't come to Him on a daily basis--that He is patiently waiting for me to "remember" Him. </div>
The Cook Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17371402545215636724noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-731670623941895386.post-36127989855921835052015-08-11T06:29:00.000-07:002015-08-11T07:31:55.447-07:00No moreSchool starts here in less than a week. I enjoy all the hubbub--buying school supplies, sharpening pencils, packing the backpack. And this year, two of mine will be heading off, and the house will be (mostly) quiet with Cecilia and I. I know I will enjoy my time with Cecilia while the other two are at school. I feel like I missed the first 3 months of her life--I honestly don't remember much. My speech therapist says the best way to recover from a stroke is sleep--and I did a lot of that.<br />
<br />
I can't help but think that this is my last baby. Prior to having her, I thought I would have another. We made the decision not to tie my tube during my C-section. But my body (and lots of doctors) are telling me no more. It is so hard to be told that--to not make that decision yourself--to be told that your body isn't safe to carry another child. It is such a personal thing, and it hurts down to my core.<br />
<br />
I've been going through the newborn and 3 month clothes. I've gotten rid of some. I picture Maggie wearing them, and my hope was that Norah would wear them too. Unfortunately, I can't remember Cecilia wearing most of them! It's hard to say goodbye to this stage of my life--snuggling a newborn, getting up and nursing a baby, laying on the couch with a teeny one on your chest. It's a difficult time, but so much growth happens.<br />
<br />
Just another repercussion of my body that doesn't want to do things the "normal" way. I know this doesn't have to be the end of growing our family. I know that Cecilia is still a baby and I should enjoy her. I still get jealous when someone announces a pregnancy. I think that comes from our loss of Norah and how long it took for me to get pregnant again. But it is still hard.<br />
<br />
Thankfully, I have the best baby in the world! She rarely cries. She is super smiley. She sleeps 12 hours at night. She is just a doll, and today I am thankful for her part in our family--even if it started out rough! Tonight, I will snuggle her for more minutes than I should because she is my last.<br />
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<br />The Cook Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17371402545215636724noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-731670623941895386.post-83585836714402094612015-07-21T08:22:00.001-07:002015-07-21T08:22:27.634-07:00I know I'm not dumb, but I really feel like I amI started speech therapy a couple of weeks ago (I should have started right after my stroke, but my new issues kind of overtook my care). Anyway, I feel dumb. I know I am not--I was an above average student during my schooling days. I worked really hard, was really involved, got good grades, yadayadayada.....<br />
<br />
Now, my therapist is asking me silly questions like---remember these 4 words and then put them in alphabetical order, and I cannot.do.it!!! My brain cannot compute quickly enough. She used a good analogy about the way our brains work. She reminded me about when I-64/40 was closed here in St. Louis 7 years ago. If that was my direct route places, I had to go around the closed highway. I had to find a new path to my destination. That is exactly what my brain is doing now. I have damaged neurons and I am trying to find a way around them. <br />
<br />
But as I sit there and literally can't think, it is SO frustrating! I want to yell, "I swear I am not dumb! I know how to alphabetize, how to say things backward, how to answer these questions. I just can't do it to the level that I used to be able to."<br />
<br />
The whole point of me going to therapy twice a week is to help me live a normal life--to give me tactics and techniques to do every day tasks and to make these things that are hard for me easier. I am learning ways to cope--grouping objects, writing things down, associating things, visualizing things, and repeating things as much as I need to. And each time I go, it gets a little easier. I have homework and have to work at it and practice. <br />
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It is work to even get myself back to Barnes for this. So blessed and thankful for my many, many friends who have stepped up to watch the kids. I was so stressed about finding care for them, and my great friends just took that over for me! Today I am thankful for God's blessings on me and my family--even just the tiny ones;)<br />
<br />The Cook Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17371402545215636724noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-731670623941895386.post-2153100753324699352015-07-02T08:56:00.000-07:002015-07-02T08:56:30.704-07:00The Details....I've wanted to type out my medical issues. I don't know if anyone will ever read this who may need some immediate medical attention, but our quick action of getting me to the ER when we did could have seriously saved me in so many ways.<br />
<br />
On January 19, I suffered the worst headache I have ever had in my life. It felt like a chain was wrapped around my head and with every beat of my heart the chain tightened. I also had a horrible pain in the back of my neck which I blamed on the 3 night's sleep I had after Cecilia in the hospital. I woke Greg up at around midnight to tell him how bad my headache was. I remember telling him I thought I was having an aneurysm--he laughed a bit and told me to go to sleep. The next morning the headache was still bad--much worse when I was lying down.<br />
<br />
Within an hour of being at the ER, I was diagnosed with what they thought was an intracerebral hemorrhage and they quickly loaded me up in an ambulance to take me to Barnes Jewish Hospital. The most common cause of this type of stroke is high blood pressure which I had only once on this day. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghze3HrKIoFAoExGnnXSb-VKhONNeo8T4wJS7k4XXEjy_tqE26hFtCntPNV6g1XF_KxtilnFeN7vEkK3jPz5JXZvK-wA-OL6VXAsozBcdbx3tvgO2bAcdlSwxKpUc600usMGzIX7YNfvw/s1600/intracerebral_hemorrhage_coronal_edema_700w.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghze3HrKIoFAoExGnnXSb-VKhONNeo8T4wJS7k4XXEjy_tqE26hFtCntPNV6g1XF_KxtilnFeN7vEkK3jPz5JXZvK-wA-OL6VXAsozBcdbx3tvgO2bAcdlSwxKpUc600usMGzIX7YNfvw/s400/intracerebral_hemorrhage_coronal_edema_700w.jpg" width="293" /> </a></div>
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This kind of stroke is different than the most common type which is an ischemic stroke. An ischemic stroke occurs when an artery to the brain is blocked and therefore blood cannot flow the way it is supposed to. </div>
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Four
weeks after I was discharged from the hospital, I had a repeat MRI.
During this MRI, the doctor noticed that I had dissections (or tears) in
my internal carotid arteries. The resident called me late on a
Saturday night to tell me to go out and get baby aspirin and start
taking it right away. They sent me back for an MRA
(which looks more at blood vessels). A few days later, this diagnosis
was confirmed. Basically, this puts me more at risk for an ischemic
stroke. Looking back at the scans I had while in-patient, another
dissected artery was noticed in the vertebral artery in the back of my
neck. I have been tested for a lot of things that could cause these
dissections and everything has come back normal. I even had genetic
testing done and I tested negative for a gene that could also cause
this. <br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYLhZAVf8x1AhSvbMmnFF3G2hp1x_J5htvqX_g9yfssDOUbAF_7kVDl7JYTJkcBNdOheJNCKCKcPcHXC6LG6zgsbdemxj2f9kuUDpQTKhb4WYZ1k3eYFT5AhxutbtNqeoWkH72GyYIz-0/s1600/carotid-artery-dissection-and-neck-pain-and-horners-syndrome.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYLhZAVf8x1AhSvbMmnFF3G2hp1x_J5htvqX_g9yfssDOUbAF_7kVDl7JYTJkcBNdOheJNCKCKcPcHXC6LG6zgsbdemxj2f9kuUDpQTKhb4WYZ1k3eYFT5AhxutbtNqeoWkH72GyYIz-0/s400/carotid-artery-dissection-and-neck-pain-and-horners-syndrome.jpg" width="300" /></a></div>
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I
am trying to wrap my head around having multiple things wrong and no
answer as to why or no way to treat then except for taking aspirin. I
seem to be the mystery patient but because I am not having any serious
symptoms, they will just diagnose me with idiopathic (which means we
just don't have a clear reason why) carotid and vertebral artery
dissections.</div>
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Now I just wait until August when I will have another MRA/MRI to check with dissections to see if there has been any change. </div>
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As
I sit here typing this, I realize that in almost SIX months this is the
first research I have done at all. When doctors have seen me and have
told me what has happened, my brain literally could not understand.
Many times, they have asked me questions that I could not answer and had
to look at Greg to have him help me. I may look okay on the outside,
but my brain just doesn't function in the way it used to. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />The Cook Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17371402545215636724noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-731670623941895386.post-83661405082611319532015-06-15T05:46:00.002-07:002015-06-15T05:46:55.918-07:00The perfect life--or not really<br />
I think social media has done us all a disservice. We spend our days posting pictures of the good life--babies smiling or sleeping soundly, siblings loving each other, us standing in front of various world monuments, and on and on and on. I am totally guilty of this too. What if I posted pictures of what my life is REALLY like? So here are some pictures of what really happens around my house. <br />
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjh9odZLoQwQBzRN4d9-b5DpLiSGWpsTyyjfbULELtKn3AfPblWmrdY-mSlu6h6V9Qxg2RuKg0uTem7xCUJpFJuzVP8LWtq8xXw1jJQ6xDH0jh_7eWnpnaUl5Lu-saXgPDfGl7gpI9FypU/s1600/FullSizeRender%25281%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjh9odZLoQwQBzRN4d9-b5DpLiSGWpsTyyjfbULELtKn3AfPblWmrdY-mSlu6h6V9Qxg2RuKg0uTem7xCUJpFJuzVP8LWtq8xXw1jJQ6xDH0jh_7eWnpnaUl5Lu-saXgPDfGl7gpI9FypU/s320/FullSizeRender%25281%2529.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Isn't our new kitchen awesome? It usually looks like this;)</td></tr>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTIOwCmfj4vuK66SuLrWirHdk7BJd8XyvWIOmtp2m-bCAzGQkqb8IdGL0UWiZ-k_UEt2kfNLAQLroORrYtAKbivkZ6shMXDO4p8sa1w2_qrMRvYBQu7VjEyaXsnyfVBOn8YR_J8dhacrM/s1600/FullSizeRender.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTIOwCmfj4vuK66SuLrWirHdk7BJd8XyvWIOmtp2m-bCAzGQkqb8IdGL0UWiZ-k_UEt2kfNLAQLroORrYtAKbivkZ6shMXDO4p8sa1w2_qrMRvYBQu7VjEyaXsnyfVBOn8YR_J8dhacrM/s320/FullSizeRender.jpg" width="320" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIVDEGMidjyIKDPeEIqVHYeUMygMFAMQxYJMNbTZQdeA6edbRIZ2CIrlMfr1Eo1qvI1fTL6cDIFItwemDTDpfeUUnRkdERZiHxlmeg_Gb9-JaoLRiP1ZmP-jjXcyCwwWi_gS06vRKj-_E/s1600/IMG_0393.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIVDEGMidjyIKDPeEIqVHYeUMygMFAMQxYJMNbTZQdeA6edbRIZ2CIrlMfr1Eo1qvI1fTL6cDIFItwemDTDpfeUUnRkdERZiHxlmeg_Gb9-JaoLRiP1ZmP-jjXcyCwwWi_gS06vRKj-_E/s320/IMG_0393.JPG" width="240" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKMD34QttS691Wy7RJIEuQPNpa4ueyPjghqWsEilHiIKEks9-WLr8WqNttZFV9hypUdb2S3MkZHd9PZIifhx2W-rKsSp77U28_Ds9rZb08rHw9bh-yqcvZJ9lAtjvPnaDGQRKGS76oc4E/s1600/FullSizeRender%25284%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKMD34QttS691Wy7RJIEuQPNpa4ueyPjghqWsEilHiIKEks9-WLr8WqNttZFV9hypUdb2S3MkZHd9PZIifhx2W-rKsSp77U28_Ds9rZb08rHw9bh-yqcvZJ9lAtjvPnaDGQRKGS76oc4E/s320/FullSizeRender%25284%2529.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjB526P25hLlLy4hJ7iYnXNQtFheRP12-a1WR27sT7Nwy6leS8B3FkA8BknAZugBzA5PvLAxUoJB1WKjPGx3MA3FWmjq94e9tF4aw3tLZiRnZd4z30Sx0xSpRYsmzdPB-rvOegu5o2hEQQ/s1600/IMG_0590.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjB526P25hLlLy4hJ7iYnXNQtFheRP12-a1WR27sT7Nwy6leS8B3FkA8BknAZugBzA5PvLAxUoJB1WKjPGx3MA3FWmjq94e9tF4aw3tLZiRnZd4z30Sx0xSpRYsmzdPB-rvOegu5o2hEQQ/s320/IMG_0590.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhx-Sn41wIrWHKZ20cawVlPrEt1t1woon-yx1Irmup5F4bzP1qq0P579HKPaodufeGnkR1DT57uQ7NgNT5GsIXIPW3yhoaMQferQhjsBqVmwuTc1l9qrwWmknmh0-WeOgP6te79_9KHbjY/s1600/FullSizeRender%25282%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhx-Sn41wIrWHKZ20cawVlPrEt1t1woon-yx1Irmup5F4bzP1qq0P579HKPaodufeGnkR1DT57uQ7NgNT5GsIXIPW3yhoaMQferQhjsBqVmwuTc1l9qrwWmknmh0-WeOgP6te79_9KHbjY/s320/FullSizeRender%25282%2529.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My blood pressure chart....</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDIFnbH7fyi_vK57oCZvyXmfFvCf9_3OZ8iNBaNCXH95g0a0M3EbRHCwktCG5e5gUokKuFZ7tjrpj7AA3a0x0_CIavv1vmfuImyaKeWGiMPHhIBoTSmBX5B_wGVzyHxvSqyWYBULccjMk/s1600/FullSizeRender%25283%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDIFnbH7fyi_vK57oCZvyXmfFvCf9_3OZ8iNBaNCXH95g0a0M3EbRHCwktCG5e5gUokKuFZ7tjrpj7AA3a0x0_CIavv1vmfuImyaKeWGiMPHhIBoTSmBX5B_wGVzyHxvSqyWYBULccjMk/s320/FullSizeRender%25283%2529.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I can barely keep up with all my meds</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
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My life feels far from perfect. My brain doesn't make connections like it used to, and it is extremely frustrating. I am SO grateful that my physical function and speech came back, but living inside this body is hard. I am 35 years old. I take my blood pressure each day and take 7 pills at bedtime. I can't form my thoughts as quickly as I like. I forget things--this is way more than mom brain. No one understands. It is easy to say "it will get better" or "just go to therapy," but I can't explain how it feels to not be able to think.<br />
<br />
I am trying to be optimistic, but some days I have no motivation to do anything except care for Cecilia. I sit on the couch and stare into space and wonder why I had to go through this. I have never felt this form of apathy in my life. I feel trapped inside a body that doesn't want to work, and no doctor can tell me why these things have happened. I have been tested for everything under the sun and no diagnosis. <br />
<br />
Maybe I need to look at how God has healed me in so many ways over the last few years. So many people have prayed for me and my family after our loss of Norah and my internal bleed that almost lead to my death. Many people have held me while I sobbed, taken care of my kids while I went to counseling, and just sat next to me without saying a word. God sent those same people two years later to support Greg while I was in ICU, to feed my family, to care for Cecilia, and to just pray for me. I was going through emails this week and found this one--I don't remember ever seeing it.<br />
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<i><span style="font-family: "Gotham Book"; font-size: 10.0pt;">Hi Rooftop Pray-ers…</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "Gotham Book"; font-size: 10.0pt;"> </span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "Gotham Book"; font-size: 10.0pt;">Please
pray for Elizabeth Cook, who just gave birth to a baby girl on Friday.
Elizabeth is being rushed to Barnes Hospital due to complications
following childbirth. Pray for her complete healing and peace as they
face yet another medical trial.</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "Gotham Book"; font-size: 10.0pt;"> </span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "Gotham Book"; font-size: 10.0pt;">Pastor Matt</span></i></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Gotham Book";">I am trying to focus on God's goodness and mercy with me. He wants me here on this earth. I know one day all these medical issues with be resolved, and I can stop worrying about them. I need to continue to ask Him to show me Himself in the midst of this.</span><i><span style="font-family: "Gotham Book";"> </span></i></span></span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "Gotham Book"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"> </span></span></span></i></div>
The Cook Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17371402545215636724noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-731670623941895386.post-2898771299500443172015-05-18T08:32:00.001-07:002015-05-18T10:57:00.034-07:00Four Months<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhh1xMN_MnXzP171pO-A1YdylU_oUxwhINcy1Luk5GxQ0bFhNlKh0uvMwvsUAeDHXDSn8c1p9mDKg0e0XFzd51um-3k5WpVGy1f-v8HweAQX08rwktbbkstWHisl9g-_zp8CGAM_BN9N4E/s1600/FullSizeRender.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhh1xMN_MnXzP171pO-A1YdylU_oUxwhINcy1Luk5GxQ0bFhNlKh0uvMwvsUAeDHXDSn8c1p9mDKg0e0XFzd51um-3k5WpVGy1f-v8HweAQX08rwktbbkstWHisl9g-_zp8CGAM_BN9N4E/s320/FullSizeRender.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Cecilia officially turned four months on Saturday. Hard to believe we made it through the winter. My thoughts on motherhood have changed A LOT with her. My life flashed in front of me again, and I wasn't in control. And things could have turned out so differently. I could have spent months in therapy. My brain bleed could have been more severe and I could have never regained my function. I could have never remembered sweet Cecilia. I am so grateful for her smiles and her cries. <br />
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I realize the best way to be a good mother is to just love my kids and to just be here. I don't have to do Pinterest inspired crafts or always feed them organic foods or forbid t.v. watching all the time or involve them in a million different activities after school. They are being shaped by our love for them here at home.<br />
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It has taken me this long to realize the severity of what I've been through--to look back and see how sick I was. And it was a blow to my old ego to be told by my pediatrician that my milk wasn't sufficient enough to make Cecilia grow. I mean I nursed my other two for 18 and 15 months....that's just what I had planned out in my head. My sweet husband lobbied for me when I was in the ICU--reminded the nurses at all hours to pump me to keep my supply up and to make milk for the baby at home. For those first few weeks at home, I honestly don't remember feeding her. My mother in law and my mom and sister just kept her quiet and brought her to me when it was time to feed. There was no bonding, and I really didn't care. At around 6 weeks, she screamed all.the.time. My tired brain knew something wasn't right, but I was just so tired and weary. At 9 weeks, she only weighed 8 lbs. 10 oz. (she was 8 lbs. 2 oz at birth). And the defeat I felt was horrible. My body not only failed me but it failed Cecilia too.<br />
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I know circumstances are different this time. I know I had a stroke and have had a million doctor appointments of my own. I know I am still not considered "healthy." But I nurse my babies and have been told by several doctors not to have any more biological children, so this is the end of the road for me. And every night as I lament the fact that my baby needs more calories, Greg tells me how good of a job I am doing. He reminds me that she needs to grow and the stress of all of this is not good for me or her. And after we found the right bottle for her, she is doing really well and finally growing like she needs to with both mommy's milk and formula. <br />
<br />
I feel like the first thing people ask me is "Are you nursing?". And the defeat and failure come right back to the surface. Who cares how I feed my baby?? I shouldn't have to explain myself. This is my apology to anyone I have judged for not taking care of your child the way I take care of mine. Because we all are just doing the best we can and making the best decisions we can for our own kids. Because we don't know a person's struggles. I am SOOOOO grateful to have another day with my family. I remind myself of this every morning. I hope you can too!<br />
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<br />The Cook Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17371402545215636724noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-731670623941895386.post-28841922747872297322015-04-16T06:46:00.001-07:002015-04-16T06:46:55.825-07:00SevenThis afternoon I head back to Barnes Jewish Center for Advanced Medicine for the SEVENTH time since the end of February. Greg and I know the building pretty well now. We know it is best to park all the way up on the 5th floor. We know exactly where I go to get an MRI/CT scan. We know which floor is for neurology, rheumatology, cardiology. <br />
<br />
And today, I go for another CT scan and we still have no answers. I am trying to come to the conclusion that we may never have an answer, and as long as I have no symptoms, this is okay. But since my MRI scan a month after I was discharged, some other things have come up, and we have the best doctors trying to get to the bottom of it all. For that I am grateful. I am thankful that I live so close to one of the top hospitals in the country where doctors and nurses spend their time trying to figure out what is wrong with people like me--a healthy, 35 year old with no other problems. I have been told by multiple doctors that they can learn from "someone like me." <br />
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So, please pray for me today. Pray for this scan to be an answer. Pray for me to feel peace and not be worried or anxious about the headaches I have every day. Pray for the doctors that are trying to figure this all out--that it all works in the way God intended it to. <br />
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On another note, I have gotten to spend the last 3 months with this little lady! Her smiles make me forget about all we've been through. Her cries make me realize how fragile this earthly life is. She is truly a precious gift!<br />
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<br />The Cook Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17371402545215636724noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-731670623941895386.post-69034650471621406032015-04-03T10:18:00.001-07:002015-04-03T10:18:49.401-07:00The last 11 weeks.....<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I have been putting off writing for awhile now. A lot has happened in our family since January 16. The best thing that happened is that Cecilia Rose was born weighing in at 8 lbs. 2 oz and 22 inches long! She's the perfect gift from God, and we are so thrilled to finally be a family of five.<br />
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Her birth was a standard repeat C-section. The most difficult part was being stuck 3 times to get the IV in, but after that it was smooth sailing. She was born on Friday, January 16 and on Monday, January 19 in the evening I was discharged. <br />
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Around 11:30 p.m. I had the most horrific headache. I woke Greg up because it was so bad and so acute that I knew deep down that something was wrong. I sent him to Walgreens to pick up my pain meds and took two of them. It didn't help. I don't think I slept at all...the headache was so much worse lying down than being up and moving around. At around 7:00 a.m., I texted Dr. C to ask her what to do because with every beat of my heart my head felt like it would explode. She said to drink some caffeine and lie down and see if that helped, and said that if it didn't I should probably go to the ER to be checked out. I kept trying to take my blood pressure and the cuff kept reading error. I thought it was just broken, but after I took a shower and the headache kept getting worse, Greg took his bp and it worked on the first try! We finally got it to read mine--190/99!! I texted Dr. C again and told her I was heading back to the hospital.<br />
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On the way to the hospital at around 11:00 a.m., we called a few people to make sure Maggie and Elliott were picked up from school, telling them we'd probably be home around 3:00! Little did I know what would transpire in the following hours.<br />
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There were no other people in the waiting room at the ER, which totally surprised me. It made things move rather quickly. They hooked me up to an IV (got it on the first try!) and wheeled me back to get a CT scan of my head. While I was in the CT scanner, something strange happened. I didn't know what it was, but I knew that it was not good. When they wheeled me back to Greg, I felt funny. I couldn't talk to him at all. It seemed like mere minutes went by before the doctor came in to tell us that there was bleeding on my brain and that they were taking me by ambulance from Missouri Baptist Hospital down to Barnes Jewish. I could feel myself panicking because I couldn't say anything that anyone could understand. The nurses were asking me to tell them what was happening in these pictures, but even though I knew what I wanted to say, the only thing that would come out was jibberish.<br />
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The only feelings I remember from this point on are fear and panic. I got loaded up in an ambulance and taken into the ER at Barnes. It felt like being a part of a movie. It wasn't quiet like the hospital I just left. There were only serious patients here--how was I so serious so quickly? Why was this happening to me? I just had a baby! Why can't I talk or move my right side? From this point on, I don't remember the next 48 hours. <br />
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By the time I remember coming around, sometime 2 days later, I was in the ICU but had retrieved all of my function. My parents and Greg's mom were here holding down the fort at home. My BFF and her hubby kept Cecilia for a couple of nights. It's all so crazy...<br />
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So, on January 20, I had a stroke. Four days after giving birth to my rainbow baby, I had bleeding on my brain and was rushed to another hospital. I watched my husband holding my new baby and pacing back and forth while I couldn't talk or feel my right side, and it ranks right up there with one of the scariest moments of my life. Cecilia is 11 weeks old today, and I feel as if it has taken me this long to understand what has happened to me.<br />
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I have had two very near death experiences in the last two years. While you are in the middle of a health scare, you just do what the medical professionals tell you. As the patient, you don't think about how critical you are or how things could have gone so much differently. I am trying to understand why this happened....why I got stripped of my first week with my baby who I had prayed so hard for....why my husband had to see his wife so serious and worry how he would go on without her. But through God's grace and the prayers of a WHOLE lot of people, I am still here.<br />
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I am not quite out of the woods yet. I have seen quite a few doctors at Barnes and still have another appointment in a week with a cardiologist. I may never get an answer besides pregnancy that caused my stroke. Each day I wake up and thank God for giving me another day and pray for no more horrible headaches. I know He will continue to protect me and whatever the outcome from all of this, I know His plans for me are great! <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">No kids allowed on the neuro floor, but they made an exception for us!</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
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<br />The Cook Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17371402545215636724noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-731670623941895386.post-27970218068492688062014-12-16T04:42:00.002-08:002014-12-16T05:11:48.746-08:00Feeling LovedOn Sunday, my friends pulled off an amazing surprise baby shower for me! I don't think I've ever been surprised like that in my life. It turned out to be a pretty intricate plan to keep it a secret from me (including Greg hacking into my email and deleting incriminating messages). I was so shocked I couldn't stop crying!<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The hostesses:) Wish we had taken a picture of the whole group!</td></tr>
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We were showered with lots of diapers! The baby's room actually smells like baby now. I am so blessed by these ladies. I love seeing how God works full circle. I loved looking around the room and thinking how these people have been side by side with me for the last two years--the true hands and feet of Jesus to our family when we were most in need. They rushed to the hospital to be by our side, they celebrated and honored Norah with us, they did laundry and cleaned my house, they took my kids, they got me out of the house on my darkest of days, they wiped my tears and cried with me--and now they are celebrating this new life that God has entrusted to us. <br />
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I <i>know </i>deep down that everyone loves this baby girl already, and I do too, but feeling our loss of Norah has made it much more difficult for me to connect to her. I also <i>know </i>that once I see her, hear her first cries and have her healthy in my arms, that all of those feelings will disappear. And one month from today, January 16, we will meet her!The Cook Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17371402545215636724noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-731670623941895386.post-91792555474019458332014-12-08T18:36:00.001-08:002014-12-08T18:36:13.170-08:00ThankfulOn December 8, 2012, we held a Memorial Service for our sweet Norah--two years ago today. I sat down this morning and watched the message that our pastor gave (<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s1tX-znqT6Y">You can watch it here</a>). It's been awhile since I watched it--probably at least a year. I had forgotten how his message emphasized how we were trying our hardest to be thankful. The verse he used has come up again over and over in the last two years.<br />
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<i>1 Thessalonians 5:16-18</i></h4>
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<i><span class="reftext"></span>"Rejoice always, <span class="reftext"></span>pray continually, <span class="reftext"></span>give thanks in all circumstances; </i></h4>
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<i>for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus."</i></h4>
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<span style="font-weight: normal;">Even as time has passed, I still have to remind myself to find some thankfulness in what has become my story. This is my grief season. The shortened, dreary, cloudy, rainy, and sometimes snowy days--celebrating the holidays--decorating for Christmas--putting on a happy face. My grief comes to the surface, and it is still such a lonely place to be. I think more so now because I try to hide the fact that I am having a hard day because I feel that people expect you to have it all together after two years. </span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: normal;">Being pregnant does not take this away. It does not make it better. It does not make me miss Norah any less.<i> </i>In fact, I think this two year anniversary has been more emotional in a lot of ways (I blame this mostly on the extra hormones).</span> I spent most of the day on November 26 crying and trying to remember and process what happened to me that day two years ago. It's amazing how I continually have flashbacks to certain points in that day, and they are so vivid that it feels like it just happened. The feeling of being wheeled to the OR and waking up and being so scared and almost hovering above my body while all these people tried to help me and make sense of what was going on. And I think about the days in between Norah's death and her service and how I just sat there and stared blankly at the Christmas tree as Maggie wiped tears from my eyes day in and day out. </div>
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But even in those moments when I could do nothing else but cry and mourn, God showed glimpses of His goodness to me--reasons to be thankful. Going back and watching Matt preach about giving thanks in all circumstances has reminded me to do just that--to look for the blessings among the sorrow and tears. Some days it is harder than others, but I could probably list 100 good things that have come out of our loss. Listening to it again today has been good for me--something God is continually trying to speak into my heart when the days feel the darkest.</div>
The Cook Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17371402545215636724noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-731670623941895386.post-15270386167636931682014-11-06T09:58:00.001-08:002014-11-06T09:58:38.736-08:00November RainBefore I knew it, I looked at the calendar and it was November. It has been looming on the horizon, but I have been too busy to stop and think about it. Life has been a whirlwind of doctor's appointments, soccer games, rearranging the house for our renovation, meetings with a kitchen designer, teaching piano lessons, and fixing dinner in the basement (yes, you read this correctly--more on the renovation later).<br />
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Life doesn't stop for November. It doesn't come to a halt so I can breathe in this month--the one that changed my life forever two years ago. It all feels strangely the same--the rainy, cold days, the changing and falling leaves, the dark afternoons. As I walked into our polling place to vote on Tuesday, I realized that the last time I set foot in that building was exactly two years ago while pregnant with Norah. These small memories never fade away. <br />
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The grief is still there and still very palpable. It comes in waves and the darkness settles in some days just like the time change. I am good about pushing it aside now and making myself appear to have it all together. I should be over it, right? I am pregnant again and will get my girl in the end. <br />
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But although we are so grateful to be bringing another little lady into this family, we will always miss the one that should already be here. <br />
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My life as I knew it slipped away in November. My whole perception of how it would all play out gone in an instant. I can't help but feel sad as that anniversary approaches. It's my reality this November and all the ones to come.The Cook Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17371402545215636724noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-731670623941895386.post-78608041269314522032014-10-15T08:18:00.000-07:002014-10-15T08:18:08.254-07:00RememberingToday is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day--there is an entire day set aside to remember all these children called home too soon. Two years ago, I probably didn't pay too close attention to October 15. Now I am a part of this greater community of people missing and remembering their babies. <br />
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Instead of feeling down and wishing Norah was sitting right next to me, today I am choosing to remember how good God has been to me and my family over the last two years. I am remembering how He has blessed me through Norah's death. Her death has changed me, and I have grown in my faith and understanding of God's greater plan for me and my family. Is it still hard? Does it still hurt? Of course..... <br />
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Today I am remembering Norah in all her beauty and perfection. I'm talking about her with Maggie and Elliott and one day soon will be able to tell this baby girl kicking inside me that she has another sister in heaven. I'm looking at her one and only picture album and thanking God for those short 18 weeks where I got to care for her. I am not thinking about the "what if's" today, I'm praising God that she gets to be rejoicing with Him in her most perfect heavenly body and that she doesn't have to feel the disappointment or the sadness that this world can bring. She will never have to feel lonely or afraid, and she will forever be watching over our family. And tonight we will worship at <a href="http://www.rooftop.org/">Rooftop Church</a> and will remember our babies and a God who authored their lives and who is bigger than all our pain and suffering.<br />
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<br />The Cook Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17371402545215636724noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-731670623941895386.post-80180017727081899362014-09-25T07:14:00.000-07:002014-09-25T07:14:07.103-07:00Faith Over FearConfession time--Over the last couple of months, I have allowed fear to be bigger than my faith. I have let the enemy tell me over and over all the lies that make me believe that I will not be okay, that this baby girl will not be okay. I have not prayed for healing or for protection. I have cried many tears over my situation and wondered why I would have to endure the same physical pain of having a cyst that I had with Norah, making me relive every scary moment of my pregnancy with her.<br />
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You see, this is where God comes in and saves the day and amazes me. He swoops into the dark places without me even knowing. He puts it on the hearts of <i>others </i>to feel inclined to pray for me--to intervene for me when I have no more words to pray. And then one day in early September, I go to the doctor, and the u/s tech says, <i><b>your ovary is completely normal</b></i>--<i><b>the cyst is GONE</b></i>. And I look over at my husband who has tears streaming down his face and hear him whisper, "thank you, Lord." I think about how in my unbelief that things could possibly work out for me, that God was there the whole time prompting others to lift me up in prayer and to heal me in this way. <br />
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It never ceases to amaze me how God works behind the scenes. There are no coincidences in this life. God is always working on our behalf. At my Bible study this week, I had inadvertantly skipped looking up these passages. As we were reading them aloud, I couldn't help but be so excited. These promises are FOR ME TOO! Over and over and over and over in scripture, it is laid out right before us.<br />
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Exodus 3:12<br />
<i><span class="text Exod-3-12" id="en-NIV-1592"><sup class="versenum">12 </sup>And God said, “<b>I will be with you.</b> And this will be the sign to you that it is I who have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you<sup class="footnote" data-fn="#fen-NIV-1592a" data-link="[<a href="#fen-NIV-1592a" title="See footnote a">a</a>]">[<a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=exodus+3%3A12&version=NIV#fen-NIV-1592a" title="See footnote a">a</a>]</sup> will worship God on this mountain.”</span> </i><br />
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Genesis 28:15<br />
<i><span class="text Gen-28-15" id="en-NIV-789"><sup class="versenum">15<b> </b></sup><b>I am with you</b> and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.”</span></i><br />
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<span class="text Gen-28-15" id="en-NIV-789">Joshua 1:5</span><br />
<i><span class="text Gen-28-15" id="en-NIV-789"><span class="text Josh-1-5" id="en-NIV-5857"><sup class="versenum">5 </sup>No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so<b> I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.</b></span><b> </b></span></i><br />
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<span class="text Gen-28-15" id="en-NIV-789">Jeremiah 1:8</span><br />
<i><span class="text Gen-28-15" id="en-NIV-789"><span class="text Jer-1-8" id="en-NIV-18955"><sup class="versenum">8 </sup>Do not be afraid of them, for <b>I am with you and will rescue you</b>,” declares the <span class="small-caps" style="font-variant: small-caps;">Lord</span>.</span> </span><span class="text Gen-28-15" id="en-NIV-789"><b> </b></span></i><br />
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<span class="text Gen-28-15" id="en-NIV-789">Matthew 28:19-20</span><br />
<i><span class="text Gen-28-15" id="en-NIV-789"><span class="text Matt-28-19" id="en-NIV-24215"><span class="woj"><sup class="versenum">19 </sup>Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,</span></span> <span class="text Matt-28-20" id="en-NIV-24216"><span class="woj"><sup class="versenum">20 </sup>and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. <b>And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”</b></span></span><b> </b></span><b><span class="text Gen-28-15" id="en-NIV-789"> </span><span class="text Gen-28-15" id="en-NIV-789"> </span></b></i><br />
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Sometimes we pray so hard for the miracle that we have no clue what to do when that miracle occurs. God, thank you for the miracles in my life. Thank you for choosing me to follow you and for reminding me in the hardest of hard places, that you will be with me!The Cook Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17371402545215636724noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-731670623941895386.post-31206317134155756332014-08-25T08:39:00.000-07:002014-08-25T08:41:35.549-07:00It's a......................................We found out the sex of this sweet babe a couple of weeks ago! I had an appointment with a MFM (maternal fetal medicine specialist) to get a consult on my ovary and cyst. Praise God that the cyst that was the size of a baseball is now the size of a grape! So much relief.....my pain is noticeably better, and it is just one less thing to worry about.<br />
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Anyway, Greg was out of town so my dear friend came along with me to the appointment. When the u/s tech asked if I wanted to know, I asked her to just write it down and stick it in an envelope, but my friend took a peak! She surprised us with a box of balloons after Greg returned from his work trip. <br />
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It was pretty bittersweet to find out. I had the mommy's intuition that it was a girl. I loved being surprised with Maggie and Elliott but knowing in advance for our other two sweet girls is just as special! </div>
<br />The Cook Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17371402545215636724noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-731670623941895386.post-35377986947799185902014-08-21T06:43:00.000-07:002014-08-21T06:43:31.623-07:0018 weeksToday I am 18 weeks pregnant. Norah died at 18 weeks. I've been having a hard time this week coming to terms with the fact that the baby that is now growing in my belly is exactly the same size as my child who I held outside of my body almost two years ago. This little one has the same features Norah did--perfect little fingers and toes, beautiful tiny nose and ears. Sometimes I can't even fathom how amazing our God is that He orchestrated all these details of my children (and yours too). It is something I have much too long taken for granted. This life starting to kick me is real and perfect and a true miracle.<br />
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And although I am so unbelievable grateful for this miracle, I am so heartbroken still over the one that I don't get to hold. It is hard to deal with such extreme emotions. I feel like my journey has been that of these extreme emotions from the start. Being pregnant again has not taken away my pain. Time has healed me a bit and made the day to day easier, but unfortunately having new life has not replaced the life lost. If anything, it has made me miss Norah that much more.<br />
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I realize that this is just another milestone I must get past. But each milestone brings some hurt of its own. I remember thinking if I can just get past the 1 year anniversary things will get easier, or if I can just get pregnant again, I won't feel this way anymore. The truth is you can't control the way you feel. <br />
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And today I just feel sad. I feel that this baby won't be completely real to me until I hold it. Each passing day I have to stop myself from getting too attached, from making too many plans. I think it is my way of guarding my heart from possible heartbreak again. I don't want to think too much of decorating the nursery or of names because I started to do that before and I left the hospital with empty arms. The longer I sit here and type this, the more I can feel the tiny
flutters that just reassure me that the baby is in there and will
continue to grow. I have to cling to this day in and day out.The Cook Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17371402545215636724noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-731670623941895386.post-20389181015319762482014-08-06T05:13:00.001-07:002014-08-06T05:27:24.611-07:00When lightening strikes twice--June 5Today is June 5, 2014. It was my first pre natal appointment. Not sure my heart has ever beat quite so fast waiting to see my baby's heart beating on the screen for the first time. Lo and behold--there it was, my tiny little blob baby with a beautiful heart beating away. All the emotions I anticipated when this day came were way different than I expected. It made me long for Norah. It made me long to have my naivety back. I wanted those days when I saw Maggie's heart beating for the first time....when I never thought anything could go wrong in a pregnancy. Dr. C was joking with us that lightening couldn't strike us twice as she moved the wand around to look at my ovary.<br />
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And then deja vu hit me. There it was--another large cyst right inside my remaining ovary. Why is this happening to me? Before I could even blink, tears were streaming down my cheeks. I couldn't control it. I felt like I couldn't catch my breath because instantly I knew what this meant for my pregnancy--it meant more fear and more pain. I felt like I had just been there....in this same exam room....inspecting a cyst. The evil cyst that inevitably took my sweet Norah's life.<br />
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I left today not excited about the baby, not excited that I saw a sweet life with a beautiful heartbeat. I left wondering how this whole thing would play out for me and for THIS baby. We agreed right away that there will be no surgery this time. It will be different this time. We hope that it will get smaller or go away, but Dr. C pointed out that I am her patient that doesn't seem to like following any sort of "normal" when it comes to things like this.<br />
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The most difficult part for me so far has been missing Norah and feeling
like I am trying to replace her in some way. Most of the tears I have
cried over the last weeks have been for her, wishing we didn't have
to go through this again and could just have HER. Don't get me wrong, I
am over the moon excited about this new baby. But for the rest of my
life, I will always wonder about Norah and wish for her to be here too.<br />
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I know in my heart that I need to trust God to protect me and this baby. The cyst is not harmful to the baby at all--more of a nuisance to me than anything. It is half the size of the one I had in my last pregnancy but still large enough to cause me some pain and discomfort. I am trying not to look too far ahead. Just taking each day as it comes. Some days are more painful than others, but I know it will all be worth it in the end to have a healthy baby in my arms.<br />
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UPDATE from today:<br />
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Well, as it stands, I still have a significant cyst in my ovary. It is painful, and I can feel a dull ache all day long. I have several episodes a week of excruciating pain, which mostly happen in the middle of the night when I am tossing and turning in bed. Right now it is manageable....one day at a time. <br />
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My biggest prayer is that I can make it through to full term with the pain and that when I get to C-section day the ovary can be saved. It's the only one I have, so I would like to keep it around even if it does give me trouble all the time! <br />
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<br />The Cook Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17371402545215636724noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-731670623941895386.post-4962755386132084032014-07-30T06:34:00.000-07:002014-07-30T06:34:00.832-07:00Oh Baby!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I realize it has been quite awhile since I have posted an update. I have stayed away on purpose because my life has been pretty consuming since the morning of May 14. I have been super busy this summer--napping, eating carbs every two hours, hanging my head over the toilet, and basically just growing a BABY!<br />
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We are thrilled to announce that we are expecting a baby in mid-January! It has been a long road--God has taught me so much about trust and patience, and He has given me a tremendous peace to get me through the first trimester. I have a had a few moments of anxiety where I wondered if this baby would make it home to our family. Once you have lived through what we have, the naivety of having a baby with no complications is out the window before you even take the pregnancy test! I have been to the doctor what feels like more times than I did total with my "easy" pregnancies. (I have written a couple of posts that have been sitting in my drafts that I will post later that deal with the ins and outs of this pregnancy, but I wanted this one to just be about this sweet miracle I am growing;)<br />
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Let me back up just a little bit. I feel like God has revealed His promises to me over and over in the last 6 months. Trying to get pregnant after our loss has been challenging to say the least. I have experienced a bit of secondary infertility in the very smallest of ways, and it.is.hard. I joked with Greg earlier in the year that I would either be spending my summer with Dr. C or with a fertility specialist. I am so grateful that on the last month of taking medication to help me get pregnant, God blessed us. I have a whole new respect for people who have tried and tried and seen doctor after doctor and sometimes get no answer as to why they can't conceive. I want to be sensitive to those who struggle with this because it.is.hard. <br />
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On Mother's Day weekend, I had a very vivid dream. I rarely remember my dreams, but I remembered every detail of this one. In the dream I decided to take a pregnancy test. I took it and set it in the bathroom and forgot to go look at the results (like that would ever happen in real life!). Days later I went back to check it, and it said PREGNANT-JANUARY 23. I woke up thinking, wow, that's odd that these new tests tell you your due date--only in my dreams, I guess! I had not been looking ahead 9 months each month because it just made me more anxious about not getting pregnant. It made it worse to know what the due date "would have been." So, I told Greg about the dream. He said, "That's strange, but please don't get your hopes up." Fast forward a couple of days, I was late. I woke up super early to go to yoga and snuck in the bathroom. Lo and behold, that plus sign popped up on the test pretty quick, and I ran in the bedroom and woke up Greg. He was in a fog, and we were both in disbelief. I couldn't believe it until I had a blood test to confirm! Later that day, I decided to look up what my due date would be exactly since I hadn't been paying attention to this. I was shocked when it showed JANUARY 23!!<br />
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Now that I am almost 15 weeks, I can see God's hand in the last months. I have felt peace about this baby, and that kind of peace can only come from Him. There have been a few moments where I worried about no heartbeat or something going wrong, but overall my anxiety level over the baby has been pretty low. My anxiety has mostly been over myself (coming in another post soon). Greg would agree that of my four pregnancies, I have been the sickest with this one. I am starting to feel a bit of reprieve from the nausea, and although it stinks to feel sick all the time, it has been a reminder that the baby is growing.<br />
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Pregnancy after loss is scary. I know too much now. I have heard too many random stories of others who have lost sweet little ones in the craziest of ways or who have had losses that forever go unexplained. But I will continue to trust in the One who created this baby and rest in those promises He set out for me.The Cook Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17371402545215636724noreply@blogger.com5