Thankful

On December 8, 2012, we held a Memorial Service for our sweet Norah--two years ago today.  I sat down this morning and watched the message that our pastor gave (You can watch it here).  It's been awhile since I watched it--probably at least a year.  I had forgotten how his message emphasized how we were trying our hardest to be thankful.  The verse he used has come up again over and over in the last two years.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

"Rejoice always,  pray continually,  give thanks in all circumstances; 

for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus."

  

Even as time has passed, I still have to remind myself to find some thankfulness in what has become my story.  This is my grief season.  The shortened, dreary, cloudy, rainy, and sometimes snowy days--celebrating the holidays--decorating for Christmas--putting on a happy face.  My grief comes to the surface, and it is still such a lonely place to be.  I think more so now because I try to hide the fact that I am having a hard day because I feel that people expect you to have it all together after two years. 

Being pregnant does not take this away. It does not make it better. It does not make me miss Norah any less.  In fact, I think this two year anniversary has been more emotional in a lot of ways (I blame this mostly on the extra hormones).  I spent most of the day on November 26 crying and trying to remember and process what happened to me that day two years ago. It's amazing how I continually have flashbacks to certain points in that day, and they are so vivid that it feels like it just happened.  The feeling of being wheeled to the OR and waking up and being so scared and almost hovering above my body while all these people tried to help me and make sense of what was going on.  And I think about the days in between Norah's death and her service and how I just sat there and stared blankly at the Christmas tree as Maggie wiped tears from my eyes day in and day out.  

But even in those moments when I could do nothing else but cry and mourn, God showed glimpses of His goodness to me--reasons to be thankful.  Going back and watching Matt preach about giving thanks in all circumstances has reminded me to do just that--to look for the blessings among the sorrow and tears.  Some days it is harder than others, but I could probably list 100 good things that have come out of our loss.  Listening to it again today has been good for me--something God is continually trying to speak into my heart when the days feel the darkest.