I feel as if I have lost my joy for a lot of things I should be joyful about. I find myself being extremely jealous of others with small babies, jealous every time I hear another pregnancy announcement, envious when someone's "perfect" family works out for them. Newborn cries still almost give me a full on panic attack. This is where this whole thing is not fair. My joy for others has been taken away--for the time being. If you are reading this and you are one of those people, deep down, I am happy for you. It's not your fault. I am sorry if I can't act like it right now, but I am hoping to be refined in this area this year!
My bubble has been burst in so many ways. I will never take pregnancy for granted. I was so naive 6 years ago....blissfully naive, happily pregnant with a healthy baby who arrived and was still healthy. I tried to get pregnant, and I did--on the first try--with both Maggie and Elliott. There were no complications....I didn't even think complications were possible. I didn't have to take my temperature every day or take ovulation tests or think about taking medication to help me ovulate. I didn't have to worry because I had both ovaries and tubes--I had healthy female parts. I didn't even know that people struggled with this! And now, I am in this category, and struggling with this makes my sadness and yearning for Norah even more prominent.
My idea of being healthy and invincible has been thrown out the window. I almost died....I could die at any time. I am not immune to being sick. Bad things can happen to me. Wow....what I wouldn't give to get rid of this part of my ruin.
But where there is ruin, rebuilding can happen. That is where I am right now. Although I feel like this whole thing has ruined me, I know that I have also been refined this year. I have learned to trust and to lean on Jesus more than I ever knew was possible. I am more compassionate and stronger than I ever thought I could be. I snuggle my kids and kiss them and tell them I love way more than I did a year ago. Greg and I are closer now than we ever have been.
Looking forward to what God has in store for our family this year--if I know anything all too well, I am not planning on it going my way but trying to just follow Him to His way!
1 comment:
What great keepsakes for your tree. Beautifully honest post. Even for those of us who have not been handed the same trials as you can really learn from you and seek refinement.
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