I have had one of those weeks where every little thing reminds me of a year ago. Over the weekend, we had some really mild temperatures and it brought me back to my first days at home after we lost Norah. My sister had flown in from Connecticut, my mom and brother were here, and all of them with the help of Greg and my gracious neighbor were working on the yard and getting all the leaves picked up. It was so mild that day--almost 80 degrees at the first of December. I hobbled outside and sat in a chair and watched them work hard before I had to retreat back in for a nap. Most of those days were a blur, but for some reason these strange things stick out in my head.
A year. How has it been almost a year? It has been the fastest and slowest year of my life by far. My perspective on life has dramatically been altered forever. My understanding of grief and loss has unfortunately increased so greatly.
Greg and I were talking yesterday about how we've seen God work in the last year. I still will never understand why this happened to us. I will never fully know why Norah had to die--was it so I could live? What possible good can come out of something like this? How am I ever to see God's greater purpose in all that has happened to my family? And really, I can question Him for the rest of my life, but sometimes there are just no answers. I am trying to just live by faith--faith that God has it all figured out--faith that my plan is just that--my plan.
Over the past year, I have strengthened old friendships and formed new relationships--new friendships with others who have experienced loss. I have also had awkwardness with people. People really don't know what to say to you, so they don't say anything, they stop calling, they don't ask how you are anymore. I have learned that we have different seasons of life, and it is okay. I probably didn't know what to say or do either before all of this happened to us. Life can go on for everyone else. And I think if you have never experienced tremendous loss, it is just hard to understand what it is like.
A friend (who is the mom of a little girl that was in Maggie's pre-school class last year) lost her husband tragically in a car accident over the weekend. I have been so shaken by this news. I had only met him a few times, but when I received the email, I literally felt the wind knocked out of me. I have woken in the middle of the night thinking about her and her two children and one on the way. I know our losses are so different, but in some way, I understand grief so much more now--no matter how the loss occurs, grief is still grief. Her and I had just had a long conversation about a month ago about our faith, and I am so thankful for that--thankful to know she has that faith. I went to the funeral home on Wednesday, and as I stood in line for over an hour, I couldn't help but envision that it was almost my family in that situation last year. It was almost Greg standing there next to a casket mourning the loss of his wife and baby. And all over again, I am grateful for the quick work of doctors and nurses that saved me.
All I know to do for my friend now is pray for her and reach out to her in the days to come. I won't shy away from awkwardness, because honestly one moment of awkwardness is not worth not saying anything. People who experience loss have a need and desire for their loved one to be remembered and spoken of and not forgotten. As I was hugging her and we were both sobbing, she mentioned Norah. It was so amazing to me that she has just lost her husband and remembered that it was November last year when we lost Norah. I don't see all these connections to various people that have come into my life as coincidences. I am looking at them as an opportunity to share my story with other people and to just be there for someone else who is experiencing something like I have.
And now I am just rambling....a year....praying for more healing and peace in the next year. If I have learned one thing, it is that although sometimes our prayers seem to go unheard, God hears them and sometimes just doesn't answer them in the way we want. I watched a sermon recently about prayer and about how God wants to hear it all--the anger, the disappointment, the good, bad and the ugly. He can take it. I was so upset one day last week that I just went to my bedroom and closed the door and got down on my knees and did just that. And although November 26 is just another day on the calendar for some, it represents a shift in our lives, a path we never thought we would be on.
No comments:
Post a Comment