Where are You?

I'm just going to say it--I've been struggling with my faith.  Maybe struggling isn't the right word--I just haven't had any.  I haven't opened my Bible or my devotionals.  I haven't hardly uttered a prayer.  I've kind of been a sucky Christian since my stroke.  Can I blame that on a brain bleed?  The only time I feel close to God is during worship at church--when I'm singing or playing.  It's like my brain goes right back to 8 months ago when everything was different.  I'm not angry with Him for allowing this to happen to me, just apathetic really.

For some reason today, I noticed my "Jesus Calling" book by Sarah Young on my night stand.  It has been there unopened for months.  The book mark was stuck in there from January 15--the day before Cecilia was born!  I opened it to today and here is what it says:

Let the dew of My Presence refresh your mind and heart.  So many, many things vie for your attention in this complex world of instant communication.  The world has changed enormously since I first gave the command to be still, and know that I am God.  However, this timeless truth is essential for the well-being of your soul.  As dew refreshes grass and flowers during the stillness of the night, so My Presence revitalizes you as you sit quietly with Me.

A refreshed, revitalized mind is able to sort out what is important and what is not.  In its natural condition, your mind easily gets stuck on trivial matters.  Like the spinning wheels of a car trapped in mud, the cogs of your brain spin impotently when you focus on a trivial thing.  As soon as you start communicating with Me about the matter, your thoughts gain traction, and you can move on to more important things.  Communicate with Me continually, and I will put My thoughts into your mind.

Interestingly enough, my biggest hurdles with my brain rehab are my attention and my immediate memory.  I was re-tested yesterday since my in-take in June, and while there was some improvement, I am still not quite up to average.  She praised me for working hard, but the deficit still falls in attention and immediate memory, and for someone who is (or at least used to be) an over achiever it is difficult to not see high marks!   Each day, I feel God nudging me a bit--"reminding" me of His power in my life.  I may not always remember it in every moment, but I know it is there.

Way, way, way in the back of my brain, I know that God is there.  I know that He has brought me through these last 3 years.  I know that He is holding Norah right now.  I know that He cherishes me even when I don't come to Him on a daily basis--that He is patiently waiting for me to "remember" Him.