Missing Her and Loving the One I Have

I've gotten rid of a lot of baby stuff lately.  Cecilia turned 9 months last week, and we no longer need the swing, receiving blankets or itty bitty clothes.  As I am looking through all this baby stuff I am getting rid of, I realized something very important.  I don't remember a lot of Cecilia's first months.  I barely remember her birth.  I don't remember being home with her and snuggling her in those first months of her life.  I know someone was doing those things for her, but I don't know if I actually was capable of being that person. After the loss of a baby, those are the moments you dream of, the moments you run through your mind a million times, the moments that are the what if's for the one you lost.

Some days I feel as if i have traded one horrible life situation for another.  I went from being the grieving mom to being the mom who had a stroke, and when your brain doesn't work like it used to, it is really difficult to be both.  It's been hard to grieve Norah the last 9 months.  I went from being an emotional basket case to feeling so void of any emotion at all.  I used to tear up all the time.  I used to feel so sad so deep down in my heart that I could barely get out of the house.  Ever since my stroke, I have felt no emotion.  Not sure if that stems from my brain injury or if it is just my way of dealing with my uncertain circumstances.

Nonetheless, it has been almost 3 years since we lost Norah.  Time does help with the sadness, but there are some days I look at Cecilia and wonder if Norah would be another blonde hair, blue eyed girl in our family--And I still miss her deeply.