No more

School starts here in less than a week.  I enjoy all the hubbub--buying school supplies, sharpening pencils, packing the backpack.  And this year, two of mine will be heading off, and the house will be (mostly) quiet with Cecilia and I.  I know I will enjoy my time with Cecilia while the other two are at school.  I feel like I missed the first 3 months of her life--I honestly don't remember much.  My speech therapist says the best way to recover from a stroke is sleep--and I did a lot of that.

I can't help but think that this is my last baby.  Prior to having her, I thought I would have another.  We made the decision not to tie my tube during my C-section.  But my body (and lots of doctors) are telling me no more.  It is so hard to be told that--to not make that decision yourself--to be told that your body isn't safe to carry another child.  It is such a personal thing, and it hurts down to my core.

I've been going through the newborn and 3 month clothes.  I've gotten rid of some.   I picture Maggie wearing them, and my hope was that Norah would wear them too.  Unfortunately, I can't remember Cecilia wearing most of them!  It's hard to say goodbye to this stage of my life--snuggling a newborn, getting up and nursing a baby, laying on the couch with a teeny one on your chest.  It's a difficult time, but so much growth happens.

Just another repercussion of my body that doesn't want to do things the "normal" way.  I know this doesn't have to be the end of growing our family.  I know that Cecilia is still a baby and I should enjoy her.  I still get jealous when someone announces a pregnancy.  I think that comes from our loss of Norah and how long it took for me to get pregnant again.  But it is still hard.

Thankfully, I have the best baby in the world!  She rarely cries.  She is super smiley.  She sleeps 12 hours at night.  She is just a doll, and today I am thankful for her part in our family--even if it started out rough!  Tonight, I will snuggle her for more minutes than I should because she is my last.