The Truth is....

The truth is life goes on for everyone else.  My life was altered forever in one second and for many, many weeks it effected not only me and my immediate family but everyone who came in contact with us.  It effected Maggie's preschool teacher who willingly brought her home from school because I couldn't drive.  It effected all the generous people who made us meals.  It effected Dr. C who was and probably is still grieving with us. And now, almost six weeks out, we feel like it is time to move on--mainly because the world is telling us that is what you do now.  It happened, it sucked, it's time.

For me, the truth is I don't want to move on.  If I do that, I feel like I am forgetting Norah.  Every day when I am trying to just do life however I can, Maggie and Elliott remind me that I am forever altered by this horrible life experience.  She will beg to go to the cemetery to see Norah and then when we get there proceeds to just lay on the heap of dirt where our tiny daughter resides and talk to her.  He will (with his sweet little voice) say, "Mama, Norah not in your belly anymore?  She in heaven, right?" They are so kind to me and loving and remind me how blessed I am but also what I will be missing by not having Norah.


I came across this picture yesterday while browsing through our Iphoto library.  Greg snapped this on his phone minutes before I was taken back for surgery.  I have all these belly pictures from my pregnancies with M and E (more so with M), and I realized that this one had been so stressful that we didn't take one picture of my growing belly.  This is all we have....I mainly wanted it because I wanted to see how much I shrunk after getting that massive cyst out.  Little did I know that I would shrink a lot! 

See, I not only lost an ovary and a baby, I lost my sense of what my life was becoming.  I had plans in my head.  I was planning for a baby in April.  I was planning on where she would sleep, what she would wear, what cute things I was going to sew for her.  Now I have to plan on life without her.  And the truth is, right now, I don't really know how to do that.....