Making Each Moment Count

In one day I am taking Maggie to kindergarten. Everyone always tells you how quickly time flies, but until you have your own children, I don't think you can fully grasp that concept!  It will be a bittersweet day.  This is where we release her to her teacher and pray that in the last five years we have taught her well at home. 

I have been convicted in the last couple of weeks of trying to make each moment count with my kids.  I am always feeling like I want to get back to my projects--cleaning, laundry, dishes, sewing.  Last week Maggie threw a major fit--these are few and far between these days.  After she finally settled down, I felt like it was just a cry for my attention.  With tears streaming down her face, she said "Mommy, will you just play Yahtzee with me?  I just want to play with you!"  Wow!  Have I not been paying enough attention to you, sweet girl?  Have I been so wrapped up in my own "stuff," my grief, my selfishness that I haven't given you what you need?

Yet another reminder to make each moment count.  There will always be dishes and laundry, but my kids won't always want to play with me and spend time with me and just be with me.  I have all this guilt.  I think all mom's experience it--whether it be the stay at home mom vs. the working mom guilt, the formula vs. breastfeeding guilt, the cry it out vs. attachment parenting guilt, the organic vs. processed food guilt.  Lately my guilt has been my living children vs. Norah guilt.  I miss her so much.  I want her in her pumpkin seat tomorrow as we take Maggie to kindergarten.  I want to be up with her in the middle of the night.  I want to watch Maggie and Elliott help take care of her.  Those are all things I cannot change.  My guilt stems from being sad about Norah not being here instead of reveling in the fact that my first baby is going to school.  I think it is okay to be sad about Norah not being a part of this story, but I struggle with that getting in the way for every special occasion.  I have to always be balancing my excitement with missing Norah.  That is a hard place to be.

I am sure there will be tears tomorrow--probably more from Greg and I than from Maggie.  I will try to hold them in until after I drop her off!  I just hope we have taught her well--taught her to show compassion, to be a good listener, to be a good friend.  She is a sweet, spunky girl and we are so blessed by her and her vibrant personality!