It Still Hurts

Greg has this massive scar on his leg from when he fell one winter while in law school.  He slipped on some ice outside his apartment and cut his leg badly enough that he ended up at the emergency room.  It left a pretty large scar on his leg and every once in awhile, he mentions how his scar hurts.  That happened eleven years ago--it still hurts.  It will always be a part of him and occasionally, the physical pain will come back as a reminder of that winter night back in 2002.

This is a strange week for me.  Exactly a year ago, I took a pregnancy test after we put the kids to bed.  It turned positive before I had a chance to even walk out of the bathroom to set a timer.  A year.  How has a year gone by and we are right back where we started?  The excitement of the positive pregnancy test led to fear and uncertainty and ultimately the death of our baby.  A year ago I had a teeny, tiny cell inside of me that turned into a beautifully and perfectly formed little girl, and yesterday I had to visit her at the cemetery. 

During this whole trial, I have tried my hardest to look at the positive side of things.  I am alive.  I was spared.  I got to take Maggie to kindergarten last week.  But I had all these hopes and dreams wrapped up in that plus sign a year ago, and I am still grieving the loss of that.  And it still hurts.

My pain these days is kind of like that scar on Greg's leg.  I can go days without hurting and then all of a sudden the pain is so deep that I can hardly breathe.  I am grateful that God has given me those days in between--days when I can live without that feeling over taking me and consuming me.  But I have learned that it is okay to still hurt.