Blessed Be Your Name

I slept awful last night.  Not really sure why, and I am paying for it today.  We had all the windows open and the attic fan running, and at 6:00 a.m. Greg flew out of bed to the sound of pouring rain to go close all the windows because the rain tends to blow in our house quite nicely!  I am pretty sure I was having some sort of dream about Norah's memorial service because the first thing that popped in my head when I opened my eyes and saw lightening and heard thunder was "blessed be your name." 

We sang the song "Blessed Be Your Name" at the memorial service.  I have worshiped to this song hundreds of times over the years, never really paying all that much attention to the significance of the words.  (by Matt Redman)

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

It is a pretty convicting idea....I am in the darkest moments of my life, and I am still supposed to praise the Lord?!  I think some of my most vulnerable moments have been during worship at church.  I have been a hot mess on stage with a microphone in my hand.  God just speaks to me in those moments and the tears flow.  I'm not embarrassed, I'm just suffering.

This song is a direct quote from Job.  Job lost his entire family, his wealth, his sense of self yet he still praised the Lord. Job 1:20-22

²⁰ At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. 

Then he fell to the ground in worship ²¹ and said:

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
    and naked I will depart.^[c]
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;
    may the name of the Lord be praised.”

²² In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.

I keep going back to Job's story.  I am so thankful that I was able to study it over the last few months.  He cried out, his whole self was destroyed yet he still fell to the ground in worship.  I'm trying to do that the best I know how.

Maggie has been opening up more to me about her sadness over Norah's death.  She finally talked to me about it in the last few days.  She told me she is so sad, especially when she sees me crying at church when I am singing or when we sing the songs that remind her of Norah's memorial service.  On Sunday, I looked down to the front row to see my sweet girl with one hand raised and one hand on her heart and her eyes closed just singing her little heart out.   

I keep telling her that it is okay to be sad and to cry.  She is only five--she shouldn't have to learn how to grieve.  But I do feel like we are giving her the tools to learn how to deal with it in the best possible way.  She told me yesterday that she hates that nasty boo-boo (my cyst) that hurt mommy and made Norah die.  So hard to know how to react....  I do know that I love these two kids SOOOO much it hurts!

I may be posting more than normal in the next week....a lot on my mind, I guess!