Four Months

Cecilia officially turned four months on Saturday.  Hard to believe we made it through the winter.  My thoughts on motherhood have changed A LOT with her.  My life flashed in front of me again, and I wasn't in control.  And things could have turned out so differently.  I could have spent months in therapy.  My brain bleed could have been more severe and I could have never regained my function.  I could have never remembered sweet Cecilia.  I am so grateful for her smiles and her cries. 

 I realize the best way to be a good mother is to just love my kids and to just be here.  I don't have to do Pinterest inspired crafts or always feed them organic foods or forbid t.v. watching all the time or involve them in a million different activities after school.  They are being shaped by our love for them here at home.

It has taken me this long to realize the severity of what I've been through--to look back and see how sick I was.  And it was a blow to my old ego to be told by my pediatrician that my milk wasn't sufficient enough to make Cecilia grow.  I mean I nursed my other two for 18 and 15 months....that's just what I had planned out in my head.  My sweet husband lobbied for me when I was in the ICU--reminded the nurses at all hours to pump me to keep my supply up and to make milk for the baby at home.  For those first few weeks at home, I honestly don't remember feeding her.  My mother in law and my mom and sister just kept her quiet and brought her to me when it was time to feed.  There was no bonding, and I really didn't care.  At around 6 weeks, she screamed all.the.time.  My tired brain knew something wasn't right, but I was just so tired and weary.  At 9 weeks, she only weighed 8 lbs. 10 oz. (she was 8 lbs. 2 oz at birth).  And the defeat I felt was horrible.  My body not only failed me but it failed Cecilia too.

I know circumstances are different this time.  I know I had a stroke and have had a million doctor appointments of my own.  I know I am still not considered "healthy." But I nurse my babies and have been told by several doctors not to have any more biological children, so this is the end of the road for me.  And every night as I lament the fact that my baby needs more calories, Greg tells me how good of a job I am doing.  He reminds me that she needs to grow and the stress of all of this is not good for me or her.  And after we found the right bottle for her, she is doing really well and finally growing like she needs to with both mommy's milk and formula.

I feel like the first thing people ask me is "Are you nursing?".  And the defeat and failure come right back to the surface.  Who cares how I feed my baby??  I shouldn't have to explain myself.  This is my apology to anyone I have judged for not taking care of your child the way I take care of mine.  Because we all are just doing the best we can and making the best decisions we can for our own kids.  Because we don't know a person's struggles.  I am SOOOOO grateful to have another day with my family.  I remind myself of this every morning.  I hope you can too!