Today is June 5, 2014. It was my first pre natal appointment. Not sure my heart has ever beat quite so fast waiting to see my baby's heart beating on the screen for the first time. Lo and behold--there it was, my tiny little blob baby with a beautiful heart beating away. All the emotions I anticipated when this day came were way different than I expected. It made me long for Norah. It made me long to have my naivety back. I wanted those days when I saw Maggie's heart beating for the first time....when I never thought anything could go wrong in a pregnancy. Dr. C was joking with us that lightening couldn't strike us twice as she moved the wand around to look at my ovary.
And then deja vu hit me. There it was--another large cyst right inside my remaining ovary. Why is this happening to me? Before I could even blink, tears were streaming down my cheeks. I couldn't control it. I felt like I couldn't catch my breath because instantly I knew what this meant for my pregnancy--it meant more fear and more pain. I felt like I had just been there....in this same exam room....inspecting a cyst. The evil cyst that inevitably took my sweet Norah's life.
I left today not excited about the baby, not excited that I saw a sweet life with a beautiful heartbeat. I left wondering how this whole thing would play out for me and for THIS baby. We agreed right away that there will be no surgery this time. It will be different this time. We hope that it will get smaller or go away, but Dr. C pointed out that I am her patient that doesn't seem to like following any sort of "normal" when it comes to things like this.
The most difficult part for me so far has been missing Norah and feeling
like I am trying to replace her in some way. Most of the tears I have
cried over the last weeks have been for her, wishing we didn't have
to go through this again and could just have HER. Don't get me wrong, I
am over the moon excited about this new baby. But for the rest of my
life, I will always wonder about Norah and wish for her to be here too.
I know in my heart that I need to trust God to protect me and this baby. The cyst is not harmful to the baby at all--more of a nuisance to me than anything. It is half the size of the one I had in my last pregnancy but still large enough to cause me some pain and discomfort. I am trying not to look too far ahead. Just taking each day as it comes. Some days are more painful than others, but I know it will all be worth it in the end to have a healthy baby in my arms.
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UPDATE from today:
Well, as it stands, I still have a significant cyst in my ovary. It is painful, and I can feel a dull ache all day long. I have several episodes a week of excruciating pain, which mostly happen in the middle of the night when I am tossing and turning in bed. Right now it is manageable....one day at a time.
My biggest prayer is that I can make it through to full term with the pain and that when I get to C-section day the ovary can be saved. It's the only one I have, so I would like to keep it around even if it does give me trouble all the time!
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