18 weeks

Today I am 18 weeks pregnant.  Norah died at 18 weeks.  I've been having a hard time this week coming to terms with the fact that the baby that is now growing in my belly is exactly the same size as my child who I held outside of my body almost two years ago.  This little one has the same  features Norah did--perfect little fingers and toes, beautiful tiny nose and ears.  Sometimes I can't even fathom how amazing our God is that He orchestrated all these details of my children (and yours too).  It is something I have much too long taken for granted.  This life starting to kick me is real and perfect and a true miracle.

And although I am so unbelievable grateful for this miracle, I am so heartbroken still over the one that I don't get to hold.  It is hard to deal with such extreme emotions.  I feel like my journey has been that of these extreme emotions from the start.  Being pregnant again has not taken away my pain.  Time has healed me a bit and made the day to day easier, but unfortunately having new life has not replaced the life lost.  If anything, it has made me miss Norah that much more.

I realize that this is just another milestone I must get past.  But each milestone brings some hurt of its own.  I remember thinking if I can just get past the 1 year anniversary things will get easier, or if I can just get pregnant again, I won't feel this way anymore.  The truth is you can't control the way you feel.

And today I just feel sad.  I feel that this baby won't be completely real to me until I hold it.    Each passing day I have to stop myself from getting too attached, from making too many plans.  I think it is my way of guarding my heart from possible heartbreak again.  I don't want to think too much of decorating the nursery or of names because I started to do that before and I left the hospital with empty arms.  The longer I sit here and type this, the more I can feel the tiny flutters that just reassure me that the baby is in there and will continue to grow.  I have to cling to this day in and day out.