In the Waiting....

I was trying to remember back to a time when I prayed specifically for one thing for a long time and felt like my prayer was going unanswered.  When Elliott was a baby, he DID NOT sleep.  At the time it seemed like the worst thing that would ever happen to us.  I had this baby that I loved dearly, but he was making me a crazy person.  I was a walking zombie for 3 months straight, trying to meet his needs while taking care of two year old Maggie.

He preferred this "awake" look more often than not!

I prayed, oh did I pray!  I asked every one I knew to pray that this child would sleep.  Every night before putting him to bed, I thought, this will be the day that God answers my prayer--only to wake up what seemed like 15 times in the middle of the night.  The sun came up, and we started all over again.  I was not pleasant to be around.  In the midst of it, I never thought the day would come where I would sleep again.  The waiting for it to happen was the hardest part.  I wanted him to just sleep already!  He finally did--in his own sweet time, and we made it through and we did manage to catch up on that sleep.

A couple years later, I prayed again.  I prayed for another baby, and we were blessed with Norah.  We prayed that my cyst just miraculously disappear.  We prayed for her to come through my surgery.  We prayed for the doctor's hands to remove my cyst and for the surgery to go smoothly.   We prayed and waited, and it didn't turn out so great.  And I don't understand...my human brain isn't capable of understanding all of this.  The truth is if we could see the future we really wouldn't want to because we would never choose the pain or suffering of this world.  We would choose an easy life where things always turn out like the fairytale.

I've been thinking about this a lot this week, especially in light of Easter and trying to rest on the promise of the resurrection.  Our pastor talked about how Jesus couldn't be kept down--He came back for you and for me.  And I think about my suffering in light of His, and it pales in comparison. 

Now I wait again.  I wait eagerly for God's plan for me and my family to unfold.  The waiting is painful, uncomfortable, unending, and sometimes almost downright unbearable.  On Saturday, Norah would be turning one.  The spring elicits these feelings of wanting her here and all the wondering that comes along with that...wishing we could have a first birthday party.  I don't know where I thought I would be--I guess I thought I would be pregnant again and that would take away some of the pain.  But again, I wait for that portion of my life to happen how God wants it and not how I want it.  And I wait....

^{Psalm 40: 1-3}

¹ I waited patiently for the Lord;
    he turned to me and heard my cry.
² He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
    out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
    and gave me a firm place to stand.
³ He put a new song in my mouth,
    a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
    and put their trust in him.