Deja vu

I had my little out-patient procedure on Friday to try to get this crazy body back on track.  It was way easier than I had made it out to be in my mind....the worst part being the iv in my hand!  As they were wheeling me back to the OR, I was just so overwhelmed with that feeling like I had just been here.  Tears streamed down my face as I felt the temperature shift to freezing cold, and they pushed me down the hallway.  I managed to wipe them away before the nurse and anesthesiologist could ask me why I was upset.  Thankfully they put me to sleep pretty quickly, but all of it was like deja vu--the cold room, the bright lights, the surgical equipment, the nerves.  Although this time, it was just me on the line.

While the nurse was prepping me before they even took me back to the OR, she asked me why I was so scared.  She said "honey, this is such an easy procedure.  I don't understand why you are scared."  I decided to just nod and smile instead of telling her why I was truly feeling this way.  She wasn't trying to be mean or heartless--just trying to reassure me that this would be okay and quick for me.  She left for a minute and came back and said "Good news.  You're not pregnant."  (they required a pregnancy test for women of child bearing age).  I politely said "I know" as tears welled up in my eyes. 

Dr. C was great once again.  She worked me into her very busy schedule because she didn't want this to go on for me any longer.  She told Greg and I that she didn't want to see me in an OR again until she delivers a baby for us!  Everything went fine.  And now we wait and pray that God just takes over all my current fears about our future as a family.  Sometimes I feel doomed....like this body of mine is failing me, but I have to remind myself to just trust that God has it all under control.