Flip Flops

So, the greatest thing happened this weekend!  It was warm enough to break out the flip flops.  It got into the 70's both Saturday and Sunday and the sun was out.  Greg and I both commented that we never thought we would make it to spring, and here we are!  I love flip flops:)  This year though, as crazy as it sounds, when I put them on, I started crying.  I looked down at my feet and noticed a tiny bit of dark polish still on my big toes...polish that I got the day we buried Norah.

Although that time was such a blur, I remember that day vividly.  I went to get some blood work done to check my blood counts, went with my mother in law to find something to wear to Norah's memorial service, and then Greg and I met our pastor at the entrance to the cemetery.  We drove back where the tiniest casket was sitting on the ground, it looked out of place.  I wanted so desperately to rip the top off the "box" and look at her one more time, to take one more peak at her little face.  Matt quoted some scripture, said a prayer and then let us have a few minutes alone with Norah.  We were probably only there a total of 15 minutes.  Looking back, I again felt like I was hovering above this scene and watching it happen.  This doesn't happen to me.  This only happens to other people.

Today is Monday once again.  It has been 18 weeks since we lost Norah--the same amount of time I carried her inside of me.  Instead of nesting and preparing the nursery, we went and looked at headstones last week for her grave.  Instead of feeling her move in my belly, I am still having bleeding and cramping.  Instead of picking out her spring outfits, I am a heap of tears lying on my bed looking at the 5 pictures I have of my sweet girl.

I want to be strong, but today I just don't feel that way.  Give me some grace....hoping to find strength tomorrow.