As much as I try to get away, I just can't. My brain won't ever stop thinking of Norah--not when I am sleeping or when I am doing laundry or when I am at Target or when I am out to dinner. I was so looking forward to this past weekend--a little time away with good friends (and no kids!!). They wanted to make it fun for me. They desired to make me laugh and have a good time, but my mind couldn't get away from Norah.
We did laugh and we did have fun, but I also cried. I cried for what should have been. We decided to go out to dinner. It was supposed to be relaxing. We sat down at our table and I instantly heard a piercing sound--the sound of a newborn baby girl screaming. Without even thinking, tears just poured from my eyes. I felt like someone was torchering me, sitting on my chest and making it difficult for me to breath. I excused myself from the table and turned around to see another baby girl. I couldn't get away fast enough. I locked myself in the bathroom only to come out to my two good friends waiting for me with hugs, tears in their eyes and a heartfelt prayer. A prayer to acknowledge my pain and to remind me that I am not alone in this.
If this would have happened to us years ago when we first moved to St. Louis and after the dust had settled on law school and our first years of marriage, I am not sure how we would have survived. We truly would have felt alone. I know that God works for the good of those who love Him. He directed us to a church, nudged us to join a small group with whom we met faithfully for over five years. He led us to a community of believers that has just held us up in the last 8 weeks. People who poured into the waiting room at the hospital to be with Greg as he lost his unborn daughter and almost lost his wife. People who call, text, and email uplifting song lyrics or scriptures which has become my oxygen on days when I feel like I can't breathe anymore. People who drop off books for me to read or offer to watch Maggie and Elliott so I can have some time to myself. None of these are mere coincidences. God knows what He is doing. I have to just remind myself of this. He knew what he was doing when He planted us here in St. Louis. He knew already at that point that we would never be able to experience this pain alone. He knew that we would experience suffering in this world and would need others to be His face for us here on earth. For this I am grateful...
1 Peter 5:10-11
10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. 11 To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen.
1 comment:
God is in your writing and in your beautiful family and He will surely lighten this pain- "Come to me all who are weary... and I will give you rest." As I think of all the joy and light you have brought to others- through your teaching, your enthusiasm and your giving as a joy-filled mother- it is evident that God is working to bring you that same comfort, and return His love. Your music is such a source of that joy... play for yourself. Norah is watching over smiling and listening!
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