Emotions are a tough thing

It has been a rough couple of weeks.  Various people have told me that things would continue to get easier as the days pass.  I completely disagree with this....  The days have one by one seemed harder for me.  Each day brings a new kind of realization that I am not pregnant anymore and that we will never know our beautiful Norah. 

I braved the cemetery by myself on Saturday.  It started out as a beautiful, mild day and by the time I got there, the sky was filled with clouds and before I knew it, I was soaked from the rain.  Kind of a metaphor for what my life feels like at this moment.  Right now there is no marker for Norah's grave.  It is just a lump of dirt.  It pains me so much to know my child is under that dirt.  I just sobbed and sobbed and was finally able to talk to her for the first time--telling her how much I miss her and how I long for her to be safe inside me. 

Emotions are tough--I am so so very sad, but I have this overwhelming feeling of how blessed I am, how blessed we are as a family. This was my devotional yesterday (from "Grace for the Moment" by Max Lucado)

Ever feel like you have nothing? Just look at the gifts God has given you:

He sent his angels to care for you, his Holy Spirit to dwell in you, his church to encourage you, and his word to guide you...

Anytime you speak, he listens;  make a request and he responds.

He will never let you be tempted too much or stumble too far.

Let a tear appear on your cheek, and he is there to wipe it.

Let a love sonnet appear on your lips, and he is there to hear it.

As much as you want to see him, he wants to see you more...

You have been chosen by Christ...he has claimed you as his beloved.

I know I am well taken care of (and Norah is too).  God has just poured out His love to us in the last 7 weeks.  When I felt as if everyone had gone on with their lives, I received another card in the mail.  People have dropped by more meals for our family without even asking if we needed one.  My dear, dear friend let me know that she wakes up thinking about us and goes to bed praying for us and has us on her mind constantly and spends time with me daily--others are living this WITH us.  Just when I think, I can't get up out of bed one more day and face this, God pulls me out and reminds me how much He loves me--whether that be from a phone call from a friend to check on me and make sure I've tried to eat breakfast or from my daily devotion or from Dr. C who let me know that I can call or text her any time night or day.

I don't know what He is trying to teach me through all this.  I guess I won't know for a long time.  I may have to wait until I get to heaven to ask Him--right after I hug and kiss my sweet  Norah!