Mothering

Being a mom is honestly the hardest job I have ever had.  Some days I think...wow, you are doing a great job--these kids are respectful and loving and have a heart for Jesus.  Then the ball drops and they are rude and disrespectful and hitting each other and throwing fits, and I just can't take it anymore and feel the need to go lock myself in my room for a time out!  If I really think about it though, there are more good days than bad.  Going through the trauma we have, it puts a lot in perspective.  The fits and back talk are just a blip on the radar.  I am not sure if I would take as much time to just be with my kids had I not gone through the last year and a half.  I find myself shirking my home responsibilities for a few more minutes on the trampoline, for a few more snuggles, for reading a few more books, for delaying bedtime to play, for just enjoying every inch of these two that God has entrusted to Greg and I.  It is a big job, a big responsibility, and I am so grateful for these two miracles that I have here on earth and the one miracle who is my guardian angel in heaven.

When Mother's Day rolls around, it is hard not to envision life with all three of my kids here with me.  Norah is always, always on my mind.  Anytime I see a little girl around her age, tears fill my eyes....partly out of jealousy and partly out of longing.  I know that we can never replace her spot in our family.  God has just blessed me so much in these last weeks as I am missing her and feeling down.  I think any change elicits these kind of feelings for me.  School is almost out.  Summer will be fun and low-key, but it will be a change of pace and sometimes that is hard for me.  But then I am driving randomly down the road and see this.... (I have never seen or heard of this waste company before, but I see their trucks and dumpsters at local businesses everywhere it seems--pinwheel and all)

Pinwheels seem to be everywhere.  I was on a walk on Monday and we turned the corner on a pretty busy street and there were 8-10 of them lining someone's yard!  Seeing one reminds me that Norah will always be my daughter.  She will always be my 3rd baby, no matter what happens in the future.   I may not get to "mother" her here the way I thought I would.   But I have to think that she is proud of me, proud of the way I love on Maggie and Elliott, proud of the way we have made her a part of our family even though she isn't here in the flesh.  At the end of the day,  I really just want me kids to look back and say, "wow, my mom really loved me." By God's grace, I pray that they do!