Best Laid Plans

I think we all have a generic vision for what we want or think our lives should look like.  I don't feel like I ever had big career aspirations.  I enjoyed teaching while I was doing it, but once I got to stay home when Maggie was born, the only thing I really missed was the interactions with my co workers.  Now that I do stay home, so many doors have opened for me to still do a little "work" and be a mom at the same time.

Thinking back on my younger self, perhaps all I wanted for my life was a great husband and partner (which I found) and a family.  You never envision your life taking the difficult path--one that has been dealt to you and the outcome can never be changed.

See, when Greg and I started planning our family, it all happened exactly according to plan.  We tried to get pregnant, and one month in, we were.  When we were ready to try again for a second baby, it happened again exactly according to OUR plan.  And then we had the conversation to try for a third.  I was hesitant and held back for several months, because it wasn't convenient for ME.  I didn't want a baby in a specific month, didn't want all my kids to be born in February and March, didn't want to be pregnant during a certain time of year.  Then I let go a bit of that control and we started trying, and weeks turned into months--10 months to be exact.  Every month seemed a little more urgent--why is it taking so long this time?  During that long 10 months, all I could focus on was how much further apart my kids were getting.  I did not put my trust in the one who knows me and already knows my life plan--His plan, not mine.

Looking back, I see the error of my ways.  Because now, here I sit almost 2 years after we first started trying for Norah.  And I still only have two kids, and they are getting older, and I have no clue how this family is going to play out.  It definitely didn't play out how I had planned.  I look at Elliott who is SO not a baby or even a toddler anymore.  The fact that he doesn't need a stroller and doesn't think he needs a nap anymore makes me feel anxious--that baby-ness is quickly going away.  And my human mind desperately wants another baby to fill that void. 

This time around, I am trying to trust God and cry out to Him--I can't do this life on my own! I can't control all these things--they may have worked out in our favor for a little bit, but I have learned that you just have no idea what lies right around the corner of your life.

The sermon at church on Sunday really spoke to me.  The main point was this:

We all plot to get rid of Jesus so we can live the lives we want.

I am SO guilty of this.  I am sure we all are in some way, but I was so convicted of this.  How long have I been plotting to get rid of Jesus so this family of mine could be exactly like I wanted?  Some days I look at my kids and think about how much I love them and then think about Jesus and how He loves me so much more than I can even fathom.  I owe it to Him as my Father to trust that He knows what is best.  I do not have this all figured out--taking it one day at a time.