In the deep

We just spent the last week in Indiana with family.  I love watching Maggie and Elliott with their cousins.  They only see each other a couple of times a year.  We had a lot of fun.  I couldn't help but have that sinking feeling that something was missing...I guess, someone was missing--Norah wasn't there to meet her cousins.  I kind of feel like as more time goes by, that Greg and I are the only ones that think about her, that want her to be remembered.  It is so easy for everyone else's lives to go on.  I am not saying that is wrong, but no one truly understands my reality except me. 

Time just keeps on marching by....I have always felt like the 4th of July signifies the beginning to the end of summer.   I think that is the teacher in me.  But this year I buy school supplies for MY child!  I look at Maggie and Elliott in a different way now.  I hug them a LOT tighter, tell them I love them many, many, many times each day.  I sit with them and snuggle them a little more than I did before Norah came and went.  I let them talk me into one more song or one more book at bedtime.  They won't always be this little!

I was reminded of this once again last week....  We were swimming at my cousin Holly's house.  Elliott had to go to the bathroom, so my mom took his floatie off and took him inside.  She sent him back out and took another kid to the bathroom.  Holly, Sarah and I were sitting and chatting at the edge of the pool.  Elliott snuck back out and got back into the pool without me seeing him.  He thought he had his floatie on and got in the shallow end on the steps and swam away, but he sunk!  I honestly didn't even notice him doing any of this and I was just several feet away.  Thankfully, my sister saw him under the water.  My mommy instinct kicked in....I jumped in without hesitation with my towel and shoes right on and pulled him out.  It was SOOOOO scary.  I don't even know how long he was under--probably seconds but felt like minutes.  All I could think about when I saw his head under water was, God, please don't take another child away from me.  It was such a real, vulnerable moment in time....please don't let this to happen to me again!  Now, I may be overreacting a bit, but I have been reading all these warnings about kids drowning.  It is SO quiet.  There is no gasping for air, no flailing of arms.  It happens in the blink of an eye. 

He is fine.  He caught his breath and cried out.  And I cried too and held him a LOT tighter once again.  Now I just have to teach him to jump back in and to do it without fear.  Kind of another metaphor for me....trying to jump back into life with as little fear as possible.