Existence

Being alive and just existing is a tough thing to grapple with.  As I have gotten up to LIVE in the last 4 1/2 months, I have had to deal with learning all over what it means to just be alive.  It is so strange--to know how close you were to dying and to try to truly understand existence in a way you have never understood it before.

The other night I had to leave to go teach piano like I do every Monday evening.  The kids were not having it....Greg walked in from work.  I basically high fived him like we were passing off the kid responsibility as I tried to head out the door.  Maggie was attached to my leg and screaming "Mommy, don't go.  I want Mommy.  I don't want you to leave."  That made Elliott start to cry and also beg me to stay.  I had to peel them off of me to even make it out the door.  At around 6:00, I got a text from Greg saying he was going to put the kids to bed at 6:30.  Maggie was STILL screaming that she wanted me (Ummmmm, she is FIVE!!).  I wrote back and said, why don't you give them a bath?  He responded that he already had!  Ha!

Last night he shared with me, that all he could think about that night was the fact that he almost lost me.  He told them both I would come home and tuck them in and kiss them goodnight.  He said he couldn't imagine having to tell them that I wouldn't ever be coming home.  That was almost his reality.  I think we are both still having to wrestle with the fact that I almost did not make it home.

I keep going back to that night and being wheeled back into the OR for the surgery that saved my life and just remember seeing those bright white lights--I was not afraid for myself.  I was afraid for Norah.  But Greg saw his wife minutes before this, and he told me later that I was more pale than he had ever seen anyone, except in a coffin.  He wasn't sure if either Norah or I would make it out of that OR alive.  If the tables were turned, and it was him lying on that hospital bed, I don't know how I would have reacted.  Heck, I probably would have passed out cold on the ground....but, he was SO strong for me and for our family.  I am so blessed that he is my hubby:) 

Him and I go back and forth about fear and what makes us fearful now.  His fear is losing his wife.  My fears are being sick again, having another difficult pregnancy, not being able to get pregnant again.  Greg has already faced his fear, and he came out on top.  I guess I need to learn from him and just trust that the future is out of our hands and is and will always be in God's. 

I was reminded of this verse today.  I studied Joshua back in the fall in my Community Bible Study.  Funny how God gives you a little nudge and keeps refreshing these verses to drive His point home.

Joshua 1:9

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, 

for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.