The Things You Don't Think About

Aside from the pure grief of losing a child, there are so many little things that are constant reminders of the loss.  A week after birth, my milk came in...so not fair.  Then there is the bleeding, and the hormone craziness, and the horrific 8 inch scar up and down my belly, and the cramping, and the loss of appetite and sleep....all so not fair.  And now after four months, my hair is starting to come out...totally forgot that happens after having a baby.

Those things fade over time and now my body is feeling a bit more like mine again, and I can now get through a day without the constant physical reminders that I am not pregnant anymore and that I lost my child.

But, I go to do something as simple as get the mail and this is there....



Or this....

Yep, that's right....I have received SIX cans of formula in the mail in the last two weeks (can someone please alert the formula companies that I am NOT having a baby??).  I have the sweetest mailman.  He always hand delivers packages.  He heard the news about Norah days after she passed and came to the door with tears in his eyes in the days following.  He, of course, has to deliver the mail, so when he knocked on my door to deliver this formula, the tears formed in his eyes again.  He apologized for having to hand it to me, but he was just doing his job. 

And then these start rolling in.... (this is not my bill, but it was WAY more than this for two surgeries and a five day hospital stay--praise God for insurance!)



You mean I have to PAY someone to deliver my dead daughter?!?!  Again, SO not fair.  These are all reminders that I can't get away from.....all the practical, life things that just happen.  Although the initial sting has worn off, I still have all these reminders that I had a child too early, a child that couldn't survive outside my body--my body that failed her.  I may look like I am doing "okay" on the outside, but I am still suffering greatly on the inside.  Each day when my mailman hands me another box of formula or another bill comes in the mail or my scar is bothering me or clumps of my hair are in the tub after my shower.  These things don't seem to ever be going away....