Always calculating

My brain seems to always be calculating these days.  Today is Monday.  I had surgery and lost Norah 11 weeks ago today.  I would have also been 29 weeks pregnant--hard to wrap my brain around since I still have no appetite and had no problems slipping right back into my pre-pregnancy clothes.  Eleven weeks ago I was nourishing a baby growing inside of me and now it is just me.  Dinner time at my house these days is pretty comical.  Greg tells each kid how many bites of each food they must take before they can be excused, and then he tells me the same thing!  Don't get me wrong, I am eating but there is absolutely no joy in it anymore.

We had a really busy weekend.  We went rollerskating as a family (our church had a free rollerskating night).   The kids had a great time, but we had lots of falls!  I wasn't brave enough to actually put on skates because I thought I would need to be stable to help the kids.  Greg enjoyed himself just as much as the kids did.

On Saturday, Maggie had her first "friends" birthday party at the Sugar Shack in Kirkwood.  It was so nice to just show up with a cake and watch:)  She also enjoyed riding her new bike around that she got for her birthday. 

We ended up being at church all morning on Sunday because I had to sing and Greg had to work in the projection booth.  Worship has been especially emotional for me and there have been many (if not all) Sundays since we lost Norah that I have sobbed through the worship set.  I have sung a couple of times and been okay, but yesterday I lost it while up on stage.  Maggie was in the front row and herself seemed upset and I could not stop the tears from falling.  As I was leading the song "Mighty to Save" which I have sung hundreds of times over the years, I had to just pull the mic away. Thankfully, my friend Michele was right next to me and took over and also just put her arm around me.  It was such an honest and open worship moment in front our our church family.  I wasn't embarrassed because this is my life now and this what God wants from us--to come as we are!

Someday, I wonder if I will stop calcuating.  I know I won't really be able to do this until after my due date in April.  Today is Monday and this day will never been quite the same for me....